Movies, Zombies, and my anxiety...

I love movies.  I love movie theaters, movies at home, Netflix, Redbox, Video on Demand...I just love movies.  I love old, new, foreign, kids, young adult...no horror...but I love movies.

I don't like crowds, which puts my love of movies in direct line for something that gets cut out.  Part of my therapy is actually to attend movies with my husband and make it through the entire movie without leaving.  For a "normal" person that sounds completely ridiculous, for me it's a grand thing if I can make it.

In the past two weeks I have been to three movies.  The first was Man of Steel...I took my four children so that I could not leave.  I sat in the middle of them so I could not run.  I breathed deeply, I wrung my hands, I talked myself into staying through every scene.  It was no small feet.  I survived the movie.  I made it.

The second movie was Monster's University...should have been easy right, I mean I made it through Man of Steel, guess what it was harder.  I was there with our two oldest boys, they were loving it...I left and sat in the car.  Not such a great parenting moment.  They are old enough to sit in a movie theater alone so don't go crazy there folks.  They were fine.  I was not.  Seriously as a grown adult I sat in the car as opposed to sitting in the movie I just paid for.  I felt like a failure.

Here comes movie number three.  First let me say I love Zombies.  Zombie shows, stories, books, movies.  I was so excited that World War Z was coming out.  I wanted to see it so badly.  So today my husband and I went to see it.  My anxiety was through the roof before the movie even started.  The trailer's for the other movies almost put me over the edge...needless to say I will not be seeing The Conjuring...the movie started, I was on edge, I was going to force myself to sit through it no matter what.  There were some explosions that shook me, some moments that put me on the edge of my seat, some deep breathing and some hand wringing.  There was some digging into my husbands hand as I was holding it, but I made.  I made it through the entire movie I have been waiting to see.

My proud moment was brought to you by Brad Pitt and millions of Zombies!

I am the face of PTSD...

If you saw me walking down the street, you would  not see the scars.  If you stopped to talk to me, you would not see the wounds.  If you asked me how I was, you would hear that I am fine.

I am the face of PTSD.

I am the mother who has to be strong for her kids.  I am the wife who has to be there for her husband.  I am the NCO who has to be at work each day.

I am also the face of PTSD.

I have been beaten, drug down, overwhelmed, terrified and forced to face my own mortality.  I have seen the dead on the battle field and the injured who were headed home.

I am the face of PTSD.

I have been in mental places I never thought possible.  I have feared for my life.  I have been to the bottom on more than one occasion.  I have spent nights in the hospital for my own safety.

I am the face of PTSD.

I have cried, screamed, curled into a ball.  I have anxiety that leaves me feeling out of control.  I have nightmares that keep me awake.  I fear that every day will be my last.

I am the face of PTSD.

I have overcome many obstacles, with many more to come.  I have relived my fears over and over. I have come home from the front lines to learn to live a new life.

I am the face of PTSD.

I am medicated for the safety of myself and sometimes those around me.  I am medicated to sleep at night.  I am medicated to enable myself to function.

I am the face of PTSD.

I am a wife, a mother, a sister, a daughter.  I am a military member, a friend, a confidant.

I am the face of PTSD.

Struggling...

This is for those of you who are bloggers...how did you get started?  I feel like each time I write a new blog I am off in another direction.  Never quite sure what the theme of my blog is or how to actually make it look a little more professional.  I feel like a fish out of water I guess.

So how did you get started?  What prompted you to begin writing and how did you choose your topic?  I know that some of you have found your "thing" and I'm a little jealous:).  I thought in the beginning my blog would be about my faith, then it was Type 1, now I just don't know.  Every day brings something new to blog about.  Maybe I'm just not meant to be a theme blogger...

The fact of the matter is that I am a person who is all over the place in real life too.  I have a diverse set of things I love.  I love to read, my faith, my children, my husband, cooking, clothes, SHOES, etc...
The list could potentially go on and on. So how to find the one thing that you guys would be interested in reading about.  How to find the one thing that I could focus on.

Maybe I just need to keep writing whatever comes to mind until I find the thing that seems right for me.  Maybe I just need to stop blogging...lol...not really, it's kind of cathartic to get things out in the open.  Maybe I just need to go with the flow and stop allowing my anxiety to dictate my need to find a theme.

Advice is appreciated...it's welcomed...it's needed :)

True Friends...

How do you make friends?  How do you make the ones you really like stick?  How do you meet new people?

I am an introvert...an extreme introvert with those that I do not know.  I don't like to introduce myself, I hate to have inane small talk and I'm really not that great at making new friends.  I was when I was younger, but as I've gotten older I've found that I meet fewer people that I really like enough to become true friends with.

I can count the number of true friends I have on one hand.  I love each of them dearly and wouldn't trade them for the world...they all know this.  My longest of these I met right before high school when we played soccer together.  We may not talk often, but we are always there for one another.  The next one in line I met through our oldest sons.  They looked so much alike that their father's actually confused them when picking them up at daycare.  We bonded over our shared love of children...and frustration with husbands.  The next two are probably the two who know me the best in the world.  We met through work and quickly became inseparable.  Even though we all lives hundreds of miles apart now, we stay in touch regularly and are even planning a girls weekend for just the three of us.  The final person in my list is my husband.  A man I trust with my life.

Outside of these five people, I have acquaintances.  People I know through my kids, church, our dog, or my husband.  No one that I am close to though.  No one to hang out with on a weekend for girl's time that lives close to me.  No one to meet for coffee or manis and pedis.  No one I can meet for lunch.  This is really sad.  I would love to have someone who lives near me that I could do these things with, but how do you make new friends?

I've tried making new friends over the internet, but I always find a reason not to like them as much as I did when I first introduced myself.  I try to find them at church, but feel like a failure who never quite meets their expectations.  Maybe I try to hard.  I even started selling a product as a part time job in hopes of meeting some new people, that hasn't worked for me either.

For those of you out there who are introverts as well, how have you made new friends?  Tell me your secrets, give me ideas of where to go or what to do.  Share with me please.  I'd love to say that all those people on my facebook page are true friends, but in all honesty a large majority of them I barely even know, and those I've reached out to and tried to encourage a friendship don't always seem so keen.

At any rate, I'd love to hear your feedback and test out some of your great ideas!

Alrighty then...

Seems like my "in spite of" post from yesterday has caused quite a commotion in one particular Facebook group.  My intention wasn't to create a stir, simply to put my feelings and views out there.  As parents of children with T1 we each have to create our own game plane...obviously my game plan is quite different than some other parents and that's okay.

Maybe I should take some time to clarify my side though, so others won't make the assumption that I use the "suck it up buttercup" method of parenting with my kids.  My boys with T1 do not have any other medical or educational issues.  They are perfectly healthy boys, who happen to have T1.  They have never struggled in school, in sports, or in any other activity they have wanted to participate in.  Do they on occasion have to take a break from something or miss a day of school because of D...you bet they do, however, I refuse to let them use that as a reason to give up.

If they go low during a game, I pull them to the sideline, give them a snack, retest in 15 and send them back out.  If they miss school because of D related issues or any other medical issue, I require them to complete the make up work before returning to school.  I don't think these are unrealistic expectations.  Once they get older and are on their own they are going to have to deal with going to work feeling lousy sometimes, it's a fact that we can't ignore or hide.

I asked my boys last night after the negative responses started rolling in how they felt.  Both said that they appreciated that I never let them use D as an excuse, that I didn't focus everything around D and that they are embarrassed when other people make a big deal out of something they have done simply because they have D.  We talk about how they feel about D all the time and we talk about how it will affect their lives forever, but we also talk about all the things they want to do in life...things they would want to do with or without D.

My oldest T1 is a JDRF ambassador, he was recognized by a Diabetes Organization because he lives his life with D.  This I don't mind.  However, if were selected for the baseball team just because he was a T1 that would frustrate both of us to no end.  Being recognized in front of an entire Little League Organization because of his T1 was embarrassing for him and to me unnecessary.  Who plays ball because he loves and wants to recognized for his hard work.

Our normal is to live with diabetes and lead as normal of lives as possible.  I've learned though, particularly with my oldest, that if he runs into someone who treats him differently because of his T1 he will take full advantage of this.  He will get out of class, he will say he isn't feeling well to try and not have to do things...he uses it as a reason to get out of things.  I won't tolerate that.  D is not  a reason.

As a parent it is my job to teach them how to live with this disease.  How to function in society.  How to follow their dreams regardless of D.  As a parent I am responsible for teaching them to take care of themselves, to comfort them when they are upset and sometimes to say "suck it up buttercup" we have to do whatever it is anyway.

There are days that I don't feel like going to work because of my PTSD and Depression, but I have to.  There are days I don't feel like cooking, cleaning house or even handling D for one more second because of my disorders...but that isn't an option.  I can't not do the things I am responsible for because of a disorder.  They can't not do the things they are responsible for because of a disease.

For those of you struggling with T1 and other medical issues, I applaud you for all that you do each day.  For those of you who feel like I am rude or are offended by my thoughts, I am sorry.  For those of you, like me, who think that T1 is not an "in spite of" disease...I thank you!

In spite of...

I've noticed a lot lately that some T1 parents have the tendency to say that they are proud of their T1 making the honor roll, playing a sport, etc... in spite of their T1.  I have a small issue with the "in spite of" and the constant need to say they've done something even though they are T1.

Why is it "in spite of", why isn't we are just proud of them for their accomplishments.  I've realized that I may be in the minority of T1 parents...but I do not see T1 as a reason for them not to do their best.  I do not see it as a reason for them not to try hard, pay attention, and meet expectations.  All three of my children, 2 T1's and one non-D made the honor roll every grading period this year. I never thought of it as, wow they accomplished this even though they are diabetics.  I simply told them that I was proud of them and to keep up the good work.

We have our days like every D family, days where they miss school, where they aren't feeling well, where we are fighting highs and lows...I go to school and pick up their missed assignments and we do them at home before they return.  They are not disabled, they are diabetics.  I've read where some parents are concerned about their children's blood sugars affecting their grades, I refuse to allow my children to use that as a reason they aren't doing well.  I refuse to allow them to think that D is a reason not to try your hardest or not meet expectations.

At the end of a baseball season one year, my oldest was recognized for playing the entire season with T1...why? Why are you singling him out for being a kid?  I realize they were trying to be nice and encouraging, but in my mind they are saying, wow we're really impressed your doing something we didn't think you could do because of your diabetes.

Listen people and listen good...diabetes does not define my children.  It does not make them who they are.  It does not dictate what they can and can not do.  It is a part of them, not the whole of them.  It is not an excuse, it is not a reason for not doing their best, it is not an "in spite of".

They are boys, they are growing, they are smart/intelligent.  They are funny and loving.  They are not disabled children who are able do excel in spite of their disease.  They are children with diabetes who live life to the fullest, understand what is expected of them and will always know that T1 is not an excuse to be used to not try or not do things!

The things they never tell you...

When you suddenly become the parent of a T1 there are so many things no one tells you...it's kind of like becoming a parent all over again.  The doctors and nurses do an excellent job of explaining insulin to carb ratios and basal rates, how to treat highs and lows before they get out of hand, how to use the glucagon if needed, but they don't tell you a lot of other important things.  Things that only another parent of a T1 would understand.  They don't tell you about the heartbreak when you hear the diagnosis for the first time and you look at your sweet baby and know that their lives will never be the same.  They don't tell you about the daily, often hourly struggle to maintain the appropriate blood sugar.  They don't tell you about the sleepless nights and constant fear.  They don't tell you about the struggle to give your child(ren) a "normal" life.  They can't tell you which foods will make your child spike or that the same amount of insulin today will react very differently tomorrow.  They can't tell you about what it's like to have your child fall down in front of you while having  a seizure and the momentary fear that you can't remember what to do.  Only another T1 parent can share these experiences with you.
The day W was diagnosed I was devastated.  At the time I couldn't show that because here was my precious 4 year old sitting there watching me and I had to be strong for him.  I'm not entirely sure that I've ever let myself fall apart since his diagnosis...I can't.  The night of his first seizure...he has had 14 since he was diagnosed...I thought my world had stopped spinning.  We were visiting my parents and in an unusual move for him he asked to sleep with his Dad and I instead of his grandparents.  He fell asleep between the two of us and at some point a storm started outside.  I remember waking to a flash of lighting and feeling him move behind me...I thought the lighting must have startled him, but when I turned to look at him he was in a full blown seizure.  I quickly woke his Dad up and told him to get the glucagon, I yelled for my parents to call 911 and I held my baby on his side.  When his Dad came flying in the room with a bag of sugar I realized that I was the only one who could take charge of the situation.  I can laugh about that now, not so much that night.  I ran to get the glucagon and some how managed to remember all those minute details needed in order to get him the shot he needed.  I kept hearing the doctor's voice in my head saying "He'll come back around within a few minutes and will probably get sick".  He didn't come back around though.  He never opened his eyes.  The paramedics came and gave him another dose and within the 25 minute ride to the hospital he received two more.  I'm not telling you this to scare you, although it should scare you enough to keep you prepared, I'm telling you this because this is the new life you have woken up into.  W was fine within a few hours and the next day we went home.  He had no memory of the event, or of the 13 subsequent seizures he has had since then, we're lucky that way I suppose.
The day L was diagnosed I did fall apart.  I didn't fall apart because of his diagnosis, I fell apart because I could not be there for him.  I think a part of me had been waiting for the other shoe to fall.  A part of me knew that we would end up with more that one T1.  L has not suffered from a seizure at all.  As a matter of fact if he falls below 80 he will come to let you know immediately.  He is able to detect his falling BG, which I am greatful for.  L is the kid who tracks everything himself, because he needs that kind of control in his life. He's one of a kind:).
To say that a T1 diagnosis is a life-changing event would be an understatement...it alters the way you look at everything around you.  The amazing thing is that it is manageable.  You can live a long and happy life with it. You can do all the things you want to do, you just have to have a little more patience.  My boys being diagnosed changes our lives...in more ways than I can count it changed them for the better.  While it's important to remember all those things they don't tell you about...the most important thing is to keep control of your fears Mom and Dad and allow them to be the people they are meant to be!

Forgiveness...

"The prisoner is us when we choose not to forgive."

Have you ever considered why we don't forgive those who have wronged us easily?  Why do we continue to harbor hatred and unfriendly thoughts because we can not bring ourselves to forgive?  Why do we allow our own lives to be placed on hold because we can't forgive?

How often have you found yourself mad, upset, pissed off with someone? How often are you able to forgive the person who has upset you?  What does it take to actually give forgiveness?  What happens to your own psyche when  you choose not to?

The greatest example of forgiveness ever presented to us, is that of Jesus on the cross.  He forgave each of us for our sins, took them upon himself, and died to give us life.  Would you be willing to lay your life down for someone who has wronged you?  Would you be willing to lay your life down from someone who you no longer trust and are unwilling to forgive?

"Do not repay anyone evil for evil.  Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.  Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written; "It is mine to avenge; I will repay," says the Lord.  On the contrary: 

"If your enemy is hungry, feed him;

if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. 

In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head."

Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good." Romans 12:17-21 (NIV)

By reading this passage and understanding it, you will see that it is not our job to repay those who have hurt us, but hurting them.  We are too forgive and allow Jesus to exact whatever wrath He will when it is time.  We are to help our enemies, love our enemies, forgive our enemies.

This does not mean we forget what our enemies have done, it simply means we are to forgive for on our good.  Living with constant anger and evil feelings towards others brings us down.  It causes us to be unhappy and only focus on the bad in life.  We are controlled by our anger and unable to find good in the incidents. 

We should focus on the good in life, focus on the positive.  While negative will happen, people will let you down, you will be hurt, you must learn to walk away and not allow it to overwhelm you.  Forgiveness is the one act that we are truly capable of controlling!

"Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you." Ephesians 4:32 (NASB)

Bullies bite...

     “With ignorance comes fear- from fear comes bigotry. Education is the key to acceptance.” 

― Kathleen Patel, The Bullying Epidemic-the guide to arm you for the fight

As a society have we inadvertently made bullying acceptable?  Have we allowed our children to think that it's okay to make people who are not "like us" feel badly?  Have we made it okay to make others feel inadequate?

I am so tired of hearing about and reading stories about children, yes children, who are killing themselves because their peers are making them feel as if they have no other option.  I am tired of seeing the faces of those children in the news.  I am overwhelmed by the sheer numbers each year of children who feel that they are not important because of how they are treated.

As parents, as educators, as administrators it is our job, our life time job, to teach our children how to treat others.  It is our job to ensure that they are treating others the way we want them to be treated.  It is our job to educate them on what bullying is and how it effects others.  

I am a mother who has had to become an advocate because of the bullying of my own children.  I have had to make phone calls, show up at schools and make myself heard because of bullying. I will not allow my children to treat others poorly and I will not allow my children to be treated poorly.  I will fight for their rights and ensure that they are safe in their schools.

As a parent you want to know that you are sending your child to school in a safe environment, you do not want them to be fearful, to be depressed, to be left sitting on the sidelines feeling as if they are not good enough.  They are all good enough.  They are all important.  They are all special.

Children who are allowed to be bullies grow up to be adult bullies.  Children who are allowed to be bullies grow up feeling entitled and above the rules.  Children who are bullies learned how to bully from their parents.  I do not for one second believe that bullies are born, I believe they are raised.  I believe they are trained.  I believe they treat others the way they are treated.

I am over the bullying.  I am over the sad stories.  I am over the struggles of children.  As adults we need to stand up for these young kids.  As adults we are responsible for what happens to all the children in our lives.  As adults we set the example.

I will no longer tolerate the bullying of my children or anyone else's.  I hope that other adults and parents will read this and think long and hard about how their own children are treating others.  I hope that as parents, educators and administrators we can make a stand and change the culture.  

Bullies bite!

Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the Lord your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you.” Deuteronomy 31:6 ESV

I am a Christian...

So in case any of you were wondering...I am a Christian.  This is something that defines who I am.  Now I know that saying this out loud can lead some people in my life to say that they no longer want to be part of it and that's okay.  I'd rather you not want to be part of my life because you really know who I am, than pretend like I'm something I'm not and have friends.  

What does it mean to be a Christian?  For a lot of people it means a lot of different things.  Here's what it means to me though.  It means that even if I don't agree with you or you're lifestyle choices, it is not my job to pass judgement on you.  It is my job to pray for you, whether you ask for it or not, and to be your friend.  It means that I am a sinner, I am imperfect, only through Christ will I be the person He means for me to be.  It means that I will forever be working to be the type of Christian He wants me to be.

I am not perfect, I have never said I was and I will never say I am.  I have made choices in my life that were wrong and that were against everything that God says.  While I could share those choices here, I am choosing not to.  I have shared them with God on many occasions.  I share them daily.  

I know that I will be judged based on my decision to be so forward with my beliefs and that's okay. God has said that His people will be persecuted for our beliefs and I am okay with that.  I have for a long time not told people I am a Christian.  I have lived a life of quiet praise, not wanting to offend those around me with my beliefs.  In doing that though I have made it okay for those people to thrust their beliefs on me.  I no longer believe that it's okay to do that.  

I will no longer live in fear of what others think, or of what they may say.  I will not force my beliefs on you, but if you ask I will share.  I will pray when I want to.  I will read my Bible when I want to.  I will study my devotions when I want to.  I will awaken each morning to share my first minutes with the Lord.  I owe Him that time.  He has provided so much to me.

He has given me a Husband who loves me despite my inadequacies.  He has given me parents who support me every step of the way.  He has given me children who are the lights of my life.  He has given me friends who know what I believe, share that belief with me and love me for me.  I am truly a blessed lady.  

My life is mine only because of the Lord.  I will worship Him daily and praise the joys and sorrows He provides.  I hope that as my friends each of you will embrace me for who I am and will not judge me because of my beliefs.  I am a Christian!

"But they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:31 ESV