Faith and Love...

Recently my husband and I hit a rough spot in our relationship.  The main reason for this blip in our typically loving marriage is due to my mental health issues and how they affect everyone around me.  We'd found ourselves in a potential financial downfall and were discussing our options...by discussing I mean he was discussing and I as usual was crying and overreacting.

I listened to him tell me how important it was for me to find a new job, how important it was for us to make financial plans that would ensure he could retire in three years and how important it was for us to maintain a semblance of normalcy in our lives with my upcoming retirement looming just days away.

I was mad, I was angry, I was feeling attacked and overall I was feeling extremely guilty for my own failures to continue my Air Force career.  I was the one who'd been injured, I was the one who lost their job essentially, I was the one causing the current financial issues.  In reality I was avoiding the truth.

You see when you have depression and PTSD you often find yourself taking the blame for all manner of issues going on around you.  Not because someone else is projecting them on to you, but because you are projecting them on to yourself.  You have immense guilt already for the things that happened during or after your injury and you take that with you wherever you go.

Is it right? No.  It is typical? Yes.  I found myself finding all manner of reasons why I couldn't get a job, why I couldn't deal with our situation, why I was angry and hurt by the conversation.  In reality I was using my mental health diagnosis as a way to avoid the discussion.

My husband stayed calm, he reminded me of my worth, not just in our marriage and family but to the world at large.  He reminded me that I am worthy of getting better, I am worthy of employment, I am not just a damaged military member.  I am a part of the bigger society.

Over the past few months, as I've patiently waited for my retirement, I've wallowed in my own self-pity.  I've used my guilt, depression and anxiety to hide in my safe little world at home.  I've used it to avoid confrontations, to avoid doing things I am uncomfortable doing and most importantly to avoid taking any steps to take charge of my own life again.

Once I finally sat down and really thought about all the crap my poor husband has to put up with from me, it dawned on me how hard all of this truly must be for him.  He has been strong and let me be weak when I needed.  He has held me when I cried.  Motivated me when I had no motivation.  Cheered me on when I needed it.  He's been the rock that I have needed.

He may not know how important he has been to this entire process and there are days I know he does not like the person I am sometimes, but in the end he always reminds me that he loves me no matter how horrible I am being.  He loves me, not my diagnosis or my issues.  He loves me despite my crazy!

So to my husband...you are an amazing man.  Your faith in me has pulled me through more times than I can count.  You truly are the rock, the shoulder, the strength I need when I have none left.  I am forever grateful that God brought you into my life and that you love me enough to stay by my side at my most unlovable.

You are an inspiration to me and I only hope that as we continue down this path called marriage you'll always want to hold my hand!

A generation of winners...

I read an article today about a Mom in Florida who is upset that her child made the honor roll with a C and D on his report card.  She was angry, she was upset and she was right.  Why in our society are we teaching our children that mediocrity is something to be celebrated?  Why are we teaching them that everyone is a winner?

When I was growing up you won a trophy if you're team won...you didn't get one just because you played.  You lost the game if the other team scored more points than you...you didn't keep the score quiet and not tell who actually one or lost.  You made the honor roll if you worked hard and made good grades all around...not if you kept up a good GPA with bad grades.

As a parent it frustrates me to no end that everyone is a winner.  Look around your work center or your adult friends and you'll see that we aren't all winners.  To excel at work you have work hard, to excel in college you have to work hard, to excel in life as an adult you have to work hard.  You can't go to work and say hey I showed up give me a raise...really people?

This mother is right.  Her child did not earn the opportunity to be on the honor roll.  Sure he made A's in most of his classes, but clearly he struggled in two of them.  He didn't earn it.  He simply did enough to pass.

I'm with this Mom, I'm over the everyone wins because they participated.  I'm over the mentality that because my child participated they deserve special recognition.  I'm over us as adults telling our children how great they are at things, when they never even really tried.

I was stationed in Korea for a year once and met a man who was helping me with some medical stuff.  We started talking about our families and children. He asked if my children played any sports and I said yes, they played soccer.  I then asked if his children played soccer.  He looked me in the face and said no, they don't, they will never be good enough to make is a profession so they don't play.  At the time I thought this was horrible.  Not play because they weren't good at it?  Not play because they would never be professionals?  I'm not advocating not playing at all, but I do like the honesty in his statement.  He wasn't going to celebrate mediocrity.  His society doesn't teach children that they are awesome just for trying.

They celebrate hard work and drive.  They celebrate true advancement.  Maybe we should take a look around and start truly thinking about what we're teaching our children.  We should be teaching them that hard work and perseverance are too be celebrated. True advancement is too be celebrated.  Merely showing up isn't. 

Veteran's Day Tribute...

Over my years of active duty Veteran's Day has always passed without much fanfare. It was a holiday, day off from work.  A day that my kids were in school and I got a break from everyone and everything.  Kind of a sad way to look at such an important day.

This year though things are very different.  This year I realized that this day is the day to celebrate all the men and women, past and present, who have sacrificed so much for our great nation.  They have sacrificed their lives, their families, their time, their heart and their soul.  They have given this nation every part of them and all too often this nation has not given them the respect and honor they deserve.

Today I've read through so many stories and seen so many wonderful thanks to our veterans.  I've seen ads for restaurants and stores who provide veteran's with free meals and discounts.  I've seen so many people thanking a veteran.  Why spend just one day thanking these men and women...why not thank them every day?

I've met men and women who have gone to war and not returned, retirees who suffered the greatest injustices from a nation they love, service members who have suffered medical issues, service members who have lost their families.  Is one day, a few hours, really long enough to thank them?

This year I realize that it isn't.  Everyday we should thank a veteran.  Thank the men and women who place their lives on the line for our freedoms.  Remember that they do not like war, they abhor war, they go to war to keep our nation free.  Remember that they are leaving their loved ones behind and do not know if they will return.  If they return they will never be the same.

Look around you today as you are enjoying your day off, look around you at all the men and women who have served, look around you and think about what these men and women have truly given for this nation, for you, for your children.

They have given their love, their loyalty, their lives.  Veteran's Day is an important day...maybe one of the most important, but while you are thanking them today, remember to thank them everyday!

The end of a chapter...

Today as I made my way to the medical group to complete my outprocessing for retirement, I was overwhelmed with a sense of sadness and denial.  This is truly the end of a very large chapter of my life.  An end that came much too quickly.  An end I had not imagined.

I joined the military in 1999 with the intention of completing my four year enlistment, receiving my educational benefits and moving on with life.  The best laid plans are often derailed.  I found out that I loved the military and this way of life.  I loved the job I did, I loved the people I worked with and I loved the diversity of the military.  I was hooked.

During my first year on active duty I met the man who would become my first husband.  It was a relationship I thought I needed, one that I often wonder if I began out of loneliness from being away from home for the first time.  I'm not saying I didn't love him, I just think we were both very young and lonely.

This man and I went on to have three awesome children together.  That part of our relationship I will never regret.  He gave me the three best parts of himself.  I learned a lot about myself throughout that first year.  I learned that if I really wanted to do something and worked hard I could.  I learned that people are willing to help you and be there for you no matter what.  I learned to love the camaraderie of the military lifestyle.

My next duty station brought both happiness and heartache.  My three boys were born in Georgia, all by the same doctor...something almost unheard of in the military realm.  I found one of my very dearest friends there.  I grew a lot in my career.  I was set for success.  Before the birth of our third son though things took a turn for the worse in our relationship.  It would never be the same again.

We moved to our next duty station and that is where I still am.  Here I grew even more as an NCO.  I was a hard worker, willing to volunteer for whatever came my way.  I loved my troops...well most of the time:).  I loved my job.  I loved everything about this area.  I had my first deployment in 2007.  It was the best and worst time of my life...at the time.  I was overwhelmed with a sense of duty and patriotism.  I loved being deployed.  I hated being away from my family.  My marriage didn't survive.  The brokenness from before and the time apart were too much for us to fix.  We tried...it just didn't work out.

I learned to be a single mom.  I learned to be an NCO.  I learned what my job really meant.  In 2012 I was picked up to deploy again.  I was remarried to my current husband...the love of my life. Things weren't great when I was selected.  We'd lost a pregnancy shortly before.  We were struggling.  Maybe I was struggling.  Anyway, I began preparing for this deployment.  I thought it would be a chance to regroup and put myself back together.  I was wrong.

The training was fun...I injured my shoulder during it though.  I pushed through.  I wanted this deployment.  I was able to convince my leadership over in the sandbox to allow me to work with one of the providers I was in training with.  We'd already bonded so it made sense to me.  We worked well together and got along.

We ended up at a remote FOB in Afghanistan.  This place was a hot bed of activity. We were attached daily, sometimes more than once.  This is the place where my life changed forever.  Where all of our lives changed forever.  This is the place that brought me to the early end of my career.

As I sit here today I still don't like thinking or talking about the day that changed everything.  It makes me sad that one day, a few hours, changed my life.  Changed my future.  Changed my career path.  On Thanksgiving Day of this year I will officially be a retiree, at 34 years old.  I will be among the few military members whose careers were brought up short by an injury sustained in combat.  I will be among the few who have to learn to live without the military way of life.

I am sad today and suspect that there will be many more sad days to come.  There will be happy days too. Days to reminisce, days to think about the happy times, days to look forward to the future.  I am excited and hopeful for what is coming, but I am sad for what is being left behind.