Rainy Days...

Do you ever sit in your house listening to the rain?  I love the sound of rain and it tends to provide me with a backdrop for my mood on those days.  I've found that when it's raining my ability to overcome my depression decreases.  I want to sit in my house, under a blanket, curled up with my dogs and just sleep.  Rainy days are best for that.

Today was one of those days. A day I would have loved to simply sit in my house, unfortunately I had to go to work.  I had to shower, get dressed and show up at work.  This is difficult on good days, imagine what it's like on the bad ones.  I  get exhausted from simply pretending to be okay.  I hate the small talk and the fake smiling.  I hate the time spent attempting to make everyone around me feel better.

I obviously can't go in and say how I'm really feeling, that would put them all on edge.  I can't answer the "how are you today" question with total honesty.  I just smile and pretend.  That seems to make others feel better.  I know my issue shouldn't be about trying to make others feel better, but I don't want to make them feel like they need to coddle me or pretend to want to listen to my issues.

Seriously, I have a therapist who sits and listens to my problems.  I have friends who I can vent to and a husband who I tell how I'm really feeling.  I don't need to share that with the people I work with.  I don't need them to know that on most days I wish I could simply sit and cry, that my therapy on Monday's is so draining that I just want to go home and go to bed, that there are days I want to scream at the world and rant about the unfairness of my situation.  Those are the things I don't want to share.

I don't want to be seen as vulnerable.  I want to be seen as the competent person I once was.  I don't feel like that person, but it would be nice to feel like it for at least one day.

Eventually I may get back to that, but we'll see.  For now I will continue to smile and pretend so others don't feel badly.  I'll save my true feelings for rainy days!

I met the first dog...and other cool things...

So I was "formally invited" to the White House for a 4th of July event...formally invited in military terms really means, you must go.  I thought long and hard about it and decided that despite my own overwhelming anxiety about the whole idea that it would be an awesome experience that my children would never forget.

The actual getting there was almost as bad as the event itself.  They needed so much information for us to be "cleared" that I was about to start giving them our blood types and medical history...it was kind of ridiculous, but protocol I assume.  We arrived on the night of the 3rd and spend two glorious nights trapped in a super small room with the six of us, it's a good thing we all love one another.

The morning of the 4th was hot and bright.  We took the kids to the Natural History Museum and while the crowds almost did me in, I refused to succumb and ruin our first real family vacation with my own fears.  The biggest issue for me was the fact that there was a huge parade going on and to get to our location we needed to go through the crowds waiting and watching.  Yep that's right go ahead and put a person with PTSD in a crowded street where a parade is happening...not my best idea yet, but we survived.

After returning to our room I simply wanted to sleep, but it was time to get everyone dressed and ready.  Yet another anxiety provoking undertaking...you try getting yourself, four kids and a husband ready to meet the President and see how anxious you become.  I was tired, frustrated and ready to call it quits, but let's keep in mind that once in a lifetime experience for the kiddos...I pushed on.
We arrived early as directed and got the luxury of waiting...again anxiety + waiting do not make good bed fellows.  My poor husband kept kindly telling me to calm down...that never works.

We were finally escorted through three check points, searched and cleared again before arriving on the South Lawn of the White House.  That's us below on the lawn...we were up close and personal with the White House...how many people can say that?

A few minutes after this lovely family photo was taken I was whisked away to formally meet the President and the First Lady...those pictures will have to be part of another blog, as I have to wait for them to be sent from the White House.  

The most nerve wracking part of the entire day was yet to come.  Myself and 17 other military members were asked to stand with the President, on the balcony, while he gave his 4th of July speech.  Yep I stood in front of thousands of people, beside the President, with cameras in my face and didn't pass out.  I thought about it, but how embarrassing would that have been on national television?  

If you want you can check out the link to the speech and my anxiety showing it's pretty little head here: http://www.whitehouse.gov/photos-and-video/video/2013/07/04/president-delivers-remarks-independence-day-celebration

That's me, right next to the President, looking around like a nutcase trying to find my wonderful family...you'll know when I find them, trust me I don't even have to explain it.

So for the best part...I got to meet, pet and get a photo with the First Dog...is it silly to be more excited about the dog than the President?  I love animals though and they calm my anxiety...so I was feeling the best when I was able to pet the dog.  He was awesome...soft and so well behaved.  I know a couple of dogs at my house who could use some pointers :).  

I was totally not anxious in this photo...

So the moral of this extraordinary tale is that we as individuals suffering from mental health disorders, should never allow them to take away once in a lifetime chances.  Did I pay for all of this later that night...you bet I did.  Was I exhausted from the amount of effort it took to maintain long enough to get through it...you bet I was.  

But I was also able to give my children an experience they would never forget, I was able to stand up there for all those brave men and women who can not stand there.  I was able to fight my own battle and for that day win it.

I may be a person with PTSD, but for one day, for a few hours I did not allow it to make the choices for me.

Oh, and I got to meet the First Dog :)