What has society come to...

As I read through the news today, I came across an article detailing how three "bored" teenagers decided that for fun they would go out and kill someone.  They wanted to see what it was like.  They took another human life because they were bored.

Are you kidding me...are we seriously at a point in our society that children, yes teenagers are still children, have started killing for fun? Are we as parents really that uninvolved that we are raising "bored" murders?

As a mother I am pissed off at the parents in this situation...I am in no way saying that they could have stopped these three idiots from doing what they did, but where were they?  What have they been teaching their children?  What type of environment are they raising them in?  I am appalled that this happened and even more appalled that children did it.

Here is the article in question:

http://www.foxnews.com/us/2013/08/20/police-say-teen-shot-australian-student-in-oklahoma-for-fun-it/

These boys seem to already have histories with the law, they were not innocent children by any means.  At the same time, at one point they were innocent.  At one point they were someone's baby, someones's little boy.  I can't imagine my children growing up to kill someone "for fun".  I can't imagine them growing up to kill someone for any other reason than self protection.

I am saddened by this event, I am saddened that our society has fallen into such a place that things like this aren't so uncommon, I am saddened that a young man's life was cut short and three others will live the remainder of their lives trying to understand why they did what they did.

God does not intend for us to kill one another, He does not intend for us to raise children who kill "for fun".  As parents it is our responsibility to raise strong, Godly children, who live moral lives.  Some of you may disagree, some of you may not believe in God.  I do however, and as for me and my family we will serve the Lord.

As I lay down tonight to go to bed I will pray for the young man who's life was cut short.  I will pray for his parents, his girlfriend, his friends in America and Australia.  I will pray that they find peace and forgiveness in their hearts.  I will also pray for the three boys whose lives are so unbelievably altered now that they will never know a normal life again.  Whether they go to jail for their lives or not, they will always be known as the three boys who killed an innocent man for no reason.

I will pray for their parents and their friends.  I will pray for their souls that they find Christ and get right with God.  I will pray that one day they can forgive themselves.

It's baaaaack...

The long awaited medical board is back.  It's time for me to start making plans for the future and figuring out how to be a civilian again.  It's time to begin a new chapter in my story.

I was told last week that I have approximately 60 days before I am officially a civilian again.  I haven't been a civilian in 14 years.  I haven't attempted to work in the "real" world in that length of time. I'm not sure I even remember how.  I have lived and breathed the military for 14 years.  I have given them my blood, sweat and tears.  Now it's time for me to figure out how to do the same for myself and my family.

My husband and I have lots of planning to do.  I start school this Wednesday.  That's right I'm going back to school.  I finally made a grown up decision about what I wanted to be when I grew up.  I'm going to school to become a nurse.  It'll be a long hard road, but in the end it will be worth it.  Right now I'm going to attend at night, we'll see how it goes.  I'm hopeful that I can do it.

I'm also going to begin homeschooling our oldest son.  I strongly believe that it's something I'm being led to do, that's it's something God has placed on  my heart and will hopefully repair some of the damage in my son.  I just want him to be a happy little boy again.

My anxiety about this new stage in life is overwhelming, but I'm going to breath and push through.  I'm not going to give in and allow  myself to quit.  I'm going to be successful at this.  It may feel impossible at times, but it's going to happen.  I can do this.  I can be happy and successful.  I can push the anxiety and fear aside and make something of my life.

With God's help I can do anything!

Two steps forward...more steps back...Hope

As I (in)patiently wait for my medical retirement package to return from the big Air Force world I've begun finding my anxiety spilling over into my everyday life...as if it weren't already doing that.

I find myself anxiously examining every particle of what I do and what I need to do.  Budgets, medical plans, new jobs searches, school, the kids, the husband, the dog...you name and it's on my list of worries.  How can I even begin to truly start making plans with all of this anxiety.

The truth is that I can't.  I'm trying to make it minute by minute verses hour by hour.  I'm trying to pretend like all is well.  I'm trying to just keep it together.

As we all know, just keeping it together is sometimes less productive than letting it fall apart and then picking up the pieces.  Anxiety makes me want to pull my hair out...not something I've done...but sometimes it seems like a good idea.  I'm exhausted from the anxiety, the fear, the unrelenting thoughts that run through my head about the future and the past.  I've found know way to simply focus on today.

To me this picture sums it up.  There is so much going on in my head that I find it hard to focus on any one thing.  It's a jumble of words, thoughts and images all trying to processed at one time.  It's tiring to even think about.

Every day though I wake up with some hope.  Hope that today will be the day that I can make the two steps forward and maintain my ground.  That I won't lose any momentum in the direction I am headed.  The day that my brain slows down and smells the roses.

Hope if a four letter word not used often enough by those of us who suffer from mental health illnesses.  We use lots of other words to describe ourselves and how we feel, but we rarely use Hope.

For today and each day that lies ahead I am Hopeful that we can all make progress.  That we can all gain ground with those two tiny steps.  That we can all appreciate that for today my greatest achievement was waking up!

7 August 2013

Yesterday was an interesting day...it was the one year anniversary of my incident in Afghanistan and it was also Purple Heart Day...funny that the two collide.  One year ago everything was "normal" in my life, ok as normal as it could be.  I was in Afghanistan doing my job and missing my family.  I was getting back into church and my faith.  I was working out again.

On the morning of the 7th all of that changed.  In a matter of seconds my life was turned upside down...literally and figuratively.  I was thrown into a new future with no road map.  I was terrified to do the things I'd done all my life.  In a matter of seconds I learned that the world is not a nice place and people want to hurt you even though they know nothing about you.

The path I was thrown onto was unknown to me, I was not used to being the one that needed help, I was the one who provided help.  I was not used to being afraid to be alone, to walk down a sidewalk, to fear going into public places.  I wanted to me alone in my safe places.  I was on a path that would lead me to solitude and an unrealistic view of safety.

I was unprepared for what life had in store for me.  I realized after a few months that I needed help more than I needed to pretend that things were ok.  I'm on the road to recovery now, hopeful for the future and what it holds.  I still have days that I want to stay in my home, in my bed, with my dog, alone.  They are fewer and father apart now though.  

The people who did the horrific act of that day did not know me, they know only what they are told about Americans.  They have never met me, it was not a personal attack.  I do not hold them at fault.  It is the only thing they know.  I forgive them and the people who put them in that position.  

I am God's child and if He can forgive me my sins, I can forgive those who hurt me.  I am stronger today and each day moving forward.