Recently my husband and I hit a rough spot in our relationship. The main reason for this blip in our typically loving marriage is due to my mental health issues and how they affect everyone around me. We'd found ourselves in a potential financial downfall and were discussing our options...by discussing I mean he was discussing and I as usual was crying and overreacting.
I listened to him tell me how important it was for me to find a new job, how important it was for us to make financial plans that would ensure he could retire in three years and how important it was for us to maintain a semblance of normalcy in our lives with my upcoming retirement looming just days away.
I was mad, I was angry, I was feeling attacked and overall I was feeling extremely guilty for my own failures to continue my Air Force career. I was the one who'd been injured, I was the one who lost their job essentially, I was the one causing the current financial issues. In reality I was avoiding the truth.
You see when you have depression and PTSD you often find yourself taking the blame for all manner of issues going on around you. Not because someone else is projecting them on to you, but because you are projecting them on to yourself. You have immense guilt already for the things that happened during or after your injury and you take that with you wherever you go.
Is it right? No. It is typical? Yes. I found myself finding all manner of reasons why I couldn't get a job, why I couldn't deal with our situation, why I was angry and hurt by the conversation. In reality I was using my mental health diagnosis as a way to avoid the discussion.
My husband stayed calm, he reminded me of my worth, not just in our marriage and family but to the world at large. He reminded me that I am worthy of getting better, I am worthy of employment, I am not just a damaged military member. I am a part of the bigger society.
Over the past few months, as I've patiently waited for my retirement, I've wallowed in my own self-pity. I've used my guilt, depression and anxiety to hide in my safe little world at home. I've used it to avoid confrontations, to avoid doing things I am uncomfortable doing and most importantly to avoid taking any steps to take charge of my own life again.
Once I finally sat down and really thought about all the crap my poor husband has to put up with from me, it dawned on me how hard all of this truly must be for him. He has been strong and let me be weak when I needed. He has held me when I cried. Motivated me when I had no motivation. Cheered me on when I needed it. He's been the rock that I have needed.
He may not know how important he has been to this entire process and there are days I know he does not like the person I am sometimes, but in the end he always reminds me that he loves me no matter how horrible I am being. He loves me, not my diagnosis or my issues. He loves me despite my crazy!
So to my husband...you are an amazing man. Your faith in me has pulled me through more times than I can count. You truly are the rock, the shoulder, the strength I need when I have none left. I am forever grateful that God brought you into my life and that you love me enough to stay by my side at my most unlovable.
You are an inspiration to me and I only hope that as we continue down this path called marriage you'll always want to hold my hand!
I listened to him tell me how important it was for me to find a new job, how important it was for us to make financial plans that would ensure he could retire in three years and how important it was for us to maintain a semblance of normalcy in our lives with my upcoming retirement looming just days away.
I was mad, I was angry, I was feeling attacked and overall I was feeling extremely guilty for my own failures to continue my Air Force career. I was the one who'd been injured, I was the one who lost their job essentially, I was the one causing the current financial issues. In reality I was avoiding the truth.
You see when you have depression and PTSD you often find yourself taking the blame for all manner of issues going on around you. Not because someone else is projecting them on to you, but because you are projecting them on to yourself. You have immense guilt already for the things that happened during or after your injury and you take that with you wherever you go.
Is it right? No. It is typical? Yes. I found myself finding all manner of reasons why I couldn't get a job, why I couldn't deal with our situation, why I was angry and hurt by the conversation. In reality I was using my mental health diagnosis as a way to avoid the discussion.
My husband stayed calm, he reminded me of my worth, not just in our marriage and family but to the world at large. He reminded me that I am worthy of getting better, I am worthy of employment, I am not just a damaged military member. I am a part of the bigger society.
Over the past few months, as I've patiently waited for my retirement, I've wallowed in my own self-pity. I've used my guilt, depression and anxiety to hide in my safe little world at home. I've used it to avoid confrontations, to avoid doing things I am uncomfortable doing and most importantly to avoid taking any steps to take charge of my own life again.
Once I finally sat down and really thought about all the crap my poor husband has to put up with from me, it dawned on me how hard all of this truly must be for him. He has been strong and let me be weak when I needed. He has held me when I cried. Motivated me when I had no motivation. Cheered me on when I needed it. He's been the rock that I have needed.
He may not know how important he has been to this entire process and there are days I know he does not like the person I am sometimes, but in the end he always reminds me that he loves me no matter how horrible I am being. He loves me, not my diagnosis or my issues. He loves me despite my crazy!
So to my husband...you are an amazing man. Your faith in me has pulled me through more times than I can count. You truly are the rock, the shoulder, the strength I need when I have none left. I am forever grateful that God brought you into my life and that you love me enough to stay by my side at my most unlovable.
You are an inspiration to me and I only hope that as we continue down this path called marriage you'll always want to hold my hand!
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