Do you ever sit in your house listening to the rain? I love the sound of rain and it tends to provide me with a backdrop for my mood on those days. I've found that when it's raining my ability to overcome my depression decreases. I want to sit in my house, under a blanket, curled up with my dogs and just sleep. Rainy days are best for that.
Today was one of those days. A day I would have loved to simply sit in my house, unfortunately I had to go to work. I had to shower, get dressed and show up at work. This is difficult on good days, imagine what it's like on the bad ones. I get exhausted from simply pretending to be okay. I hate the small talk and the fake smiling. I hate the time spent attempting to make everyone around me feel better.
I obviously can't go in and say how I'm really feeling, that would put them all on edge. I can't answer the "how are you today" question with total honesty. I just smile and pretend. That seems to make others feel better. I know my issue shouldn't be about trying to make others feel better, but I don't want to make them feel like they need to coddle me or pretend to want to listen to my issues.
Seriously, I have a therapist who sits and listens to my problems. I have friends who I can vent to and a husband who I tell how I'm really feeling. I don't need to share that with the people I work with. I don't need them to know that on most days I wish I could simply sit and cry, that my therapy on Monday's is so draining that I just want to go home and go to bed, that there are days I want to scream at the world and rant about the unfairness of my situation. Those are the things I don't want to share.
I don't want to be seen as vulnerable. I want to be seen as the competent person I once was. I don't feel like that person, but it would be nice to feel like it for at least one day.
Eventually I may get back to that, but we'll see. For now I will continue to smile and pretend so others don't feel badly. I'll save my true feelings for rainy days!
Today was one of those days. A day I would have loved to simply sit in my house, unfortunately I had to go to work. I had to shower, get dressed and show up at work. This is difficult on good days, imagine what it's like on the bad ones. I get exhausted from simply pretending to be okay. I hate the small talk and the fake smiling. I hate the time spent attempting to make everyone around me feel better.
I obviously can't go in and say how I'm really feeling, that would put them all on edge. I can't answer the "how are you today" question with total honesty. I just smile and pretend. That seems to make others feel better. I know my issue shouldn't be about trying to make others feel better, but I don't want to make them feel like they need to coddle me or pretend to want to listen to my issues.
Seriously, I have a therapist who sits and listens to my problems. I have friends who I can vent to and a husband who I tell how I'm really feeling. I don't need to share that with the people I work with. I don't need them to know that on most days I wish I could simply sit and cry, that my therapy on Monday's is so draining that I just want to go home and go to bed, that there are days I want to scream at the world and rant about the unfairness of my situation. Those are the things I don't want to share.
I don't want to be seen as vulnerable. I want to be seen as the competent person I once was. I don't feel like that person, but it would be nice to feel like it for at least one day.
Eventually I may get back to that, but we'll see. For now I will continue to smile and pretend so others don't feel badly. I'll save my true feelings for rainy days!
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