Rainy Days...

Do you ever sit in your house listening to the rain?  I love the sound of rain and it tends to provide me with a backdrop for my mood on those days.  I've found that when it's raining my ability to overcome my depression decreases.  I want to sit in my house, under a blanket, curled up with my dogs and just sleep.  Rainy days are best for that.

Today was one of those days. A day I would have loved to simply sit in my house, unfortunately I had to go to work.  I had to shower, get dressed and show up at work.  This is difficult on good days, imagine what it's like on the bad ones.  I  get exhausted from simply pretending to be okay.  I hate the small talk and the fake smiling.  I hate the time spent attempting to make everyone around me feel better.

I obviously can't go in and say how I'm really feeling, that would put them all on edge.  I can't answer the "how are you today" question with total honesty.  I just smile and pretend.  That seems to make others feel better.  I know my issue shouldn't be about trying to make others feel better, but I don't want to make them feel like they need to coddle me or pretend to want to listen to my issues.

Seriously, I have a therapist who sits and listens to my problems.  I have friends who I can vent to and a husband who I tell how I'm really feeling.  I don't need to share that with the people I work with.  I don't need them to know that on most days I wish I could simply sit and cry, that my therapy on Monday's is so draining that I just want to go home and go to bed, that there are days I want to scream at the world and rant about the unfairness of my situation.  Those are the things I don't want to share.

I don't want to be seen as vulnerable.  I want to be seen as the competent person I once was.  I don't feel like that person, but it would be nice to feel like it for at least one day.

Eventually I may get back to that, but we'll see.  For now I will continue to smile and pretend so others don't feel badly.  I'll save my true feelings for rainy days!

I met the first dog...and other cool things...

So I was "formally invited" to the White House for a 4th of July event...formally invited in military terms really means, you must go.  I thought long and hard about it and decided that despite my own overwhelming anxiety about the whole idea that it would be an awesome experience that my children would never forget.

The actual getting there was almost as bad as the event itself.  They needed so much information for us to be "cleared" that I was about to start giving them our blood types and medical history...it was kind of ridiculous, but protocol I assume.  We arrived on the night of the 3rd and spend two glorious nights trapped in a super small room with the six of us, it's a good thing we all love one another.

The morning of the 4th was hot and bright.  We took the kids to the Natural History Museum and while the crowds almost did me in, I refused to succumb and ruin our first real family vacation with my own fears.  The biggest issue for me was the fact that there was a huge parade going on and to get to our location we needed to go through the crowds waiting and watching.  Yep that's right go ahead and put a person with PTSD in a crowded street where a parade is happening...not my best idea yet, but we survived.

After returning to our room I simply wanted to sleep, but it was time to get everyone dressed and ready.  Yet another anxiety provoking undertaking...you try getting yourself, four kids and a husband ready to meet the President and see how anxious you become.  I was tired, frustrated and ready to call it quits, but let's keep in mind that once in a lifetime experience for the kiddos...I pushed on.
We arrived early as directed and got the luxury of waiting...again anxiety + waiting do not make good bed fellows.  My poor husband kept kindly telling me to calm down...that never works.

We were finally escorted through three check points, searched and cleared again before arriving on the South Lawn of the White House.  That's us below on the lawn...we were up close and personal with the White House...how many people can say that?

A few minutes after this lovely family photo was taken I was whisked away to formally meet the President and the First Lady...those pictures will have to be part of another blog, as I have to wait for them to be sent from the White House.  

The most nerve wracking part of the entire day was yet to come.  Myself and 17 other military members were asked to stand with the President, on the balcony, while he gave his 4th of July speech.  Yep I stood in front of thousands of people, beside the President, with cameras in my face and didn't pass out.  I thought about it, but how embarrassing would that have been on national television?  

If you want you can check out the link to the speech and my anxiety showing it's pretty little head here: http://www.whitehouse.gov/photos-and-video/video/2013/07/04/president-delivers-remarks-independence-day-celebration

That's me, right next to the President, looking around like a nutcase trying to find my wonderful family...you'll know when I find them, trust me I don't even have to explain it.

So for the best part...I got to meet, pet and get a photo with the First Dog...is it silly to be more excited about the dog than the President?  I love animals though and they calm my anxiety...so I was feeling the best when I was able to pet the dog.  He was awesome...soft and so well behaved.  I know a couple of dogs at my house who could use some pointers :).  

I was totally not anxious in this photo...

So the moral of this extraordinary tale is that we as individuals suffering from mental health disorders, should never allow them to take away once in a lifetime chances.  Did I pay for all of this later that night...you bet I did.  Was I exhausted from the amount of effort it took to maintain long enough to get through it...you bet I was.  

But I was also able to give my children an experience they would never forget, I was able to stand up there for all those brave men and women who can not stand there.  I was able to fight my own battle and for that day win it.

I may be a person with PTSD, but for one day, for a few hours I did not allow it to make the choices for me.

Oh, and I got to meet the First Dog :)

Movies, Zombies, and my anxiety...

I love movies.  I love movie theaters, movies at home, Netflix, Redbox, Video on Demand...I just love movies.  I love old, new, foreign, kids, young adult...no horror...but I love movies.

I don't like crowds, which puts my love of movies in direct line for something that gets cut out.  Part of my therapy is actually to attend movies with my husband and make it through the entire movie without leaving.  For a "normal" person that sounds completely ridiculous, for me it's a grand thing if I can make it.

In the past two weeks I have been to three movies.  The first was Man of Steel...I took my four children so that I could not leave.  I sat in the middle of them so I could not run.  I breathed deeply, I wrung my hands, I talked myself into staying through every scene.  It was no small feet.  I survived the movie.  I made it.

The second movie was Monster's University...should have been easy right, I mean I made it through Man of Steel, guess what it was harder.  I was there with our two oldest boys, they were loving it...I left and sat in the car.  Not such a great parenting moment.  They are old enough to sit in a movie theater alone so don't go crazy there folks.  They were fine.  I was not.  Seriously as a grown adult I sat in the car as opposed to sitting in the movie I just paid for.  I felt like a failure.

Here comes movie number three.  First let me say I love Zombies.  Zombie shows, stories, books, movies.  I was so excited that World War Z was coming out.  I wanted to see it so badly.  So today my husband and I went to see it.  My anxiety was through the roof before the movie even started.  The trailer's for the other movies almost put me over the edge...needless to say I will not be seeing The Conjuring...the movie started, I was on edge, I was going to force myself to sit through it no matter what.  There were some explosions that shook me, some moments that put me on the edge of my seat, some deep breathing and some hand wringing.  There was some digging into my husbands hand as I was holding it, but I made.  I made it through the entire movie I have been waiting to see.

My proud moment was brought to you by Brad Pitt and millions of Zombies!

I am the face of PTSD...

If you saw me walking down the street, you would  not see the scars.  If you stopped to talk to me, you would not see the wounds.  If you asked me how I was, you would hear that I am fine.

I am the face of PTSD.

I am the mother who has to be strong for her kids.  I am the wife who has to be there for her husband.  I am the NCO who has to be at work each day.

I am also the face of PTSD.

I have been beaten, drug down, overwhelmed, terrified and forced to face my own mortality.  I have seen the dead on the battle field and the injured who were headed home.

I am the face of PTSD.

I have been in mental places I never thought possible.  I have feared for my life.  I have been to the bottom on more than one occasion.  I have spent nights in the hospital for my own safety.

I am the face of PTSD.

I have cried, screamed, curled into a ball.  I have anxiety that leaves me feeling out of control.  I have nightmares that keep me awake.  I fear that every day will be my last.

I am the face of PTSD.

I have overcome many obstacles, with many more to come.  I have relived my fears over and over. I have come home from the front lines to learn to live a new life.

I am the face of PTSD.

I am medicated for the safety of myself and sometimes those around me.  I am medicated to sleep at night.  I am medicated to enable myself to function.

I am the face of PTSD.

I am a wife, a mother, a sister, a daughter.  I am a military member, a friend, a confidant.

I am the face of PTSD.

Struggling...

This is for those of you who are bloggers...how did you get started?  I feel like each time I write a new blog I am off in another direction.  Never quite sure what the theme of my blog is or how to actually make it look a little more professional.  I feel like a fish out of water I guess.

So how did you get started?  What prompted you to begin writing and how did you choose your topic?  I know that some of you have found your "thing" and I'm a little jealous:).  I thought in the beginning my blog would be about my faith, then it was Type 1, now I just don't know.  Every day brings something new to blog about.  Maybe I'm just not meant to be a theme blogger...

The fact of the matter is that I am a person who is all over the place in real life too.  I have a diverse set of things I love.  I love to read, my faith, my children, my husband, cooking, clothes, SHOES, etc...
The list could potentially go on and on. So how to find the one thing that you guys would be interested in reading about.  How to find the one thing that I could focus on.

Maybe I just need to keep writing whatever comes to mind until I find the thing that seems right for me.  Maybe I just need to stop blogging...lol...not really, it's kind of cathartic to get things out in the open.  Maybe I just need to go with the flow and stop allowing my anxiety to dictate my need to find a theme.

Advice is appreciated...it's welcomed...it's needed :)

True Friends...

How do you make friends?  How do you make the ones you really like stick?  How do you meet new people?

I am an introvert...an extreme introvert with those that I do not know.  I don't like to introduce myself, I hate to have inane small talk and I'm really not that great at making new friends.  I was when I was younger, but as I've gotten older I've found that I meet fewer people that I really like enough to become true friends with.

I can count the number of true friends I have on one hand.  I love each of them dearly and wouldn't trade them for the world...they all know this.  My longest of these I met right before high school when we played soccer together.  We may not talk often, but we are always there for one another.  The next one in line I met through our oldest sons.  They looked so much alike that their father's actually confused them when picking them up at daycare.  We bonded over our shared love of children...and frustration with husbands.  The next two are probably the two who know me the best in the world.  We met through work and quickly became inseparable.  Even though we all lives hundreds of miles apart now, we stay in touch regularly and are even planning a girls weekend for just the three of us.  The final person in my list is my husband.  A man I trust with my life.

Outside of these five people, I have acquaintances.  People I know through my kids, church, our dog, or my husband.  No one that I am close to though.  No one to hang out with on a weekend for girl's time that lives close to me.  No one to meet for coffee or manis and pedis.  No one I can meet for lunch.  This is really sad.  I would love to have someone who lives near me that I could do these things with, but how do you make new friends?

I've tried making new friends over the internet, but I always find a reason not to like them as much as I did when I first introduced myself.  I try to find them at church, but feel like a failure who never quite meets their expectations.  Maybe I try to hard.  I even started selling a product as a part time job in hopes of meeting some new people, that hasn't worked for me either.

For those of you out there who are introverts as well, how have you made new friends?  Tell me your secrets, give me ideas of where to go or what to do.  Share with me please.  I'd love to say that all those people on my facebook page are true friends, but in all honesty a large majority of them I barely even know, and those I've reached out to and tried to encourage a friendship don't always seem so keen.

At any rate, I'd love to hear your feedback and test out some of your great ideas!

Alrighty then...

Seems like my "in spite of" post from yesterday has caused quite a commotion in one particular Facebook group.  My intention wasn't to create a stir, simply to put my feelings and views out there.  As parents of children with T1 we each have to create our own game plane...obviously my game plan is quite different than some other parents and that's okay.

Maybe I should take some time to clarify my side though, so others won't make the assumption that I use the "suck it up buttercup" method of parenting with my kids.  My boys with T1 do not have any other medical or educational issues.  They are perfectly healthy boys, who happen to have T1.  They have never struggled in school, in sports, or in any other activity they have wanted to participate in.  Do they on occasion have to take a break from something or miss a day of school because of D...you bet they do, however, I refuse to let them use that as a reason to give up.

If they go low during a game, I pull them to the sideline, give them a snack, retest in 15 and send them back out.  If they miss school because of D related issues or any other medical issue, I require them to complete the make up work before returning to school.  I don't think these are unrealistic expectations.  Once they get older and are on their own they are going to have to deal with going to work feeling lousy sometimes, it's a fact that we can't ignore or hide.

I asked my boys last night after the negative responses started rolling in how they felt.  Both said that they appreciated that I never let them use D as an excuse, that I didn't focus everything around D and that they are embarrassed when other people make a big deal out of something they have done simply because they have D.  We talk about how they feel about D all the time and we talk about how it will affect their lives forever, but we also talk about all the things they want to do in life...things they would want to do with or without D.

My oldest T1 is a JDRF ambassador, he was recognized by a Diabetes Organization because he lives his life with D.  This I don't mind.  However, if were selected for the baseball team just because he was a T1 that would frustrate both of us to no end.  Being recognized in front of an entire Little League Organization because of his T1 was embarrassing for him and to me unnecessary.  Who plays ball because he loves and wants to recognized for his hard work.

Our normal is to live with diabetes and lead as normal of lives as possible.  I've learned though, particularly with my oldest, that if he runs into someone who treats him differently because of his T1 he will take full advantage of this.  He will get out of class, he will say he isn't feeling well to try and not have to do things...he uses it as a reason to get out of things.  I won't tolerate that.  D is not  a reason.

As a parent it is my job to teach them how to live with this disease.  How to function in society.  How to follow their dreams regardless of D.  As a parent I am responsible for teaching them to take care of themselves, to comfort them when they are upset and sometimes to say "suck it up buttercup" we have to do whatever it is anyway.

There are days that I don't feel like going to work because of my PTSD and Depression, but I have to.  There are days I don't feel like cooking, cleaning house or even handling D for one more second because of my disorders...but that isn't an option.  I can't not do the things I am responsible for because of a disorder.  They can't not do the things they are responsible for because of a disease.

For those of you struggling with T1 and other medical issues, I applaud you for all that you do each day.  For those of you who feel like I am rude or are offended by my thoughts, I am sorry.  For those of you, like me, who think that T1 is not an "in spite of" disease...I thank you!