The end of a chapter...

Today as I made my way to the medical group to complete my outprocessing for retirement, I was overwhelmed with a sense of sadness and denial.  This is truly the end of a very large chapter of my life.  An end that came much too quickly.  An end I had not imagined.

I joined the military in 1999 with the intention of completing my four year enlistment, receiving my educational benefits and moving on with life.  The best laid plans are often derailed.  I found out that I loved the military and this way of life.  I loved the job I did, I loved the people I worked with and I loved the diversity of the military.  I was hooked.

During my first year on active duty I met the man who would become my first husband.  It was a relationship I thought I needed, one that I often wonder if I began out of loneliness from being away from home for the first time.  I'm not saying I didn't love him, I just think we were both very young and lonely.

This man and I went on to have three awesome children together.  That part of our relationship I will never regret.  He gave me the three best parts of himself.  I learned a lot about myself throughout that first year.  I learned that if I really wanted to do something and worked hard I could.  I learned that people are willing to help you and be there for you no matter what.  I learned to love the camaraderie of the military lifestyle.

My next duty station brought both happiness and heartache.  My three boys were born in Georgia, all by the same doctor...something almost unheard of in the military realm.  I found one of my very dearest friends there.  I grew a lot in my career.  I was set for success.  Before the birth of our third son though things took a turn for the worse in our relationship.  It would never be the same again.

We moved to our next duty station and that is where I still am.  Here I grew even more as an NCO.  I was a hard worker, willing to volunteer for whatever came my way.  I loved my troops...well most of the time:).  I loved my job.  I loved everything about this area.  I had my first deployment in 2007.  It was the best and worst time of my life...at the time.  I was overwhelmed with a sense of duty and patriotism.  I loved being deployed.  I hated being away from my family.  My marriage didn't survive.  The brokenness from before and the time apart were too much for us to fix.  We tried...it just didn't work out.

I learned to be a single mom.  I learned to be an NCO.  I learned what my job really meant.  In 2012 I was picked up to deploy again.  I was remarried to my current husband...the love of my life. Things weren't great when I was selected.  We'd lost a pregnancy shortly before.  We were struggling.  Maybe I was struggling.  Anyway, I began preparing for this deployment.  I thought it would be a chance to regroup and put myself back together.  I was wrong.

The training was fun...I injured my shoulder during it though.  I pushed through.  I wanted this deployment.  I was able to convince my leadership over in the sandbox to allow me to work with one of the providers I was in training with.  We'd already bonded so it made sense to me.  We worked well together and got along.

We ended up at a remote FOB in Afghanistan.  This place was a hot bed of activity. We were attached daily, sometimes more than once.  This is the place where my life changed forever.  Where all of our lives changed forever.  This is the place that brought me to the early end of my career.

As I sit here today I still don't like thinking or talking about the day that changed everything.  It makes me sad that one day, a few hours, changed my life.  Changed my future.  Changed my career path.  On Thanksgiving Day of this year I will officially be a retiree, at 34 years old.  I will be among the few military members whose careers were brought up short by an injury sustained in combat.  I will be among the few who have to learn to live without the military way of life.

I am sad today and suspect that there will be many more sad days to come.  There will be happy days too. Days to reminisce, days to think about the happy times, days to look forward to the future.  I am excited and hopeful for what is coming, but I am sad for what is being left behind. 

Labels...

How often in life do we place labels on people we come in contact with? How often do we judge a person on their appearance without even knowing them?  How often does that judgement change when make the time to get to know them?

My Bible Study (Therapy) Group is currently doing a study called Alter Ego.  It is about rethinking how we label others and how we look at ourselves in the context of the labels we have had placed on us.  How do you see yourself and how has that been affected by the labels others have given you?

How often do we remember being told we're ugly, fat, skinny, pretty, weird, etc... How often are those labels given to us by someone else that we then adopt for ourselves?  I know that I am guilty of labeling other people, and I know that I am guilty of taking on the labels others have given me.

Whether those labels are good, bad or indifferent, I find myself attempting to live up to them.  Isn't that a strange way to look at it?  Attempting to live up to a label.  I have been told I am a "super mom"...I don't feel that way about myself, but the second I feel like I've done something wrong with my children or haven't done something I am supposed to I feel upset or frustrated that I haven't met that expectation.  I've taken on others label of me and tried to live up to it.

I am diagnosed with PTSD and I try to live up to that diagnosis.  I use it as my crutch.  I am a person living with PTSD though not PTSD itself.  I have learn that while PTSD is a diagnosis it is also a label.  A label given to those of us living with a disorder that we can overcome.  We can seek treatment and get better.  We may never be cured, but we can live with our disability.

I have given labels to my own children, and now that I realize this I have to make a concerted effort to change this.  They do not deserve to grow up labeled by their own Mother.  They deserve to become who God wants them to be.  Who He planned for them to be even before they were born.

My new goal in life is to start working on not only my own labels but on not giving those around me labels.  Not looking at a person in the store or on the street and assuming I know them based on their appearance.  I will start working on giving everyone a chance to show who they truly are.  It is not my job to label them, it is my job to accept them.

God has given us the true idea of who we are.  He has placed us in our lives for a reason.  He has planned our paths for us.  We need to choose to follow that plan and start living out our alter ego.  We need to start working on becoming more like God and less like our current selves.

Labels are harmful to us and to those around us.  Take a moment to truly consider how your labeling someone else may and can affect them.  Take a moment to think about how those same labels given to you have affected your life.  How they have molded how you see yourself.

Become the person God has planned for you!

Radical Obedience...

What does radical obedience mean to you when you hear it?  To a Christian it should mean one thing...it should mean that you are ready to completely and utterly give your life over to God and follow the path that he leads for you.  I am currently reading the book Radical by David Platt and I am astonished by the things he has written.

I realized that I was not allowing myself to listen to the plan God has for me.  I am not following the directives of the Bible as I should...I am not obeying God's word.

I realize that many of my readers may not share my beliefs, I hope that they can still respect my values and beliefs.  I can understand if they don't though.  It is a tough pill for people who do not believe to swallow.  It is a tough pill sometimes for those of us who do believe to follow.

God loves us, He created us in His image, He created us for His enjoyment.  He expects us to follow His word...He demands it.  The cost of not following His word is worse than anything you can experience in this life.  It is eternal damnation.  It is eternal separation from our Loving Creator.

He never said that this life would be easy, He never said that we would be able to easily follow His word.  He did provide us with the blueprint for this though.  He gave us the Bible to study, to read, to learn.  He gave us His written word, written by mortal men.  Men, who like you and I, found it difficult to radically obey His word until they were shown the path He laid out for them.

I can only imagine the shock and awe they experienced when the Lord reached down and physically touched them?  The Love they felt engulf them when they finally reached the point where they were ready to listen and believe.

Can you also imagine the fear they felt when at first they did not follow God's word.  They chose to stray from the path He laid for them?  The fear Jonah felt when the was in the fished belly, the fear he lived with for the days he was there?

Had Jonah simply listened and obeyed He would not have had to have that experience.  If we would listen and obey there are some many things we could avoid experiencing.  Not saying that you will never experience difficulties or obstacles in this life...you will.  Even the most ardent, most obedient of God's people will experience pain and suffering.  However, when the Lord returns those same people will be the first to experience His amazing love and healing.

You may not be in a place in your life where you are ready to follow the Lord, you may never be in that place, I pray that you change your mind though. I pray that I am able to find the radical obedience the Lord expects...that he demands!

"Now if you obey me fully and keep my covenant, then out of all nations you will be my treasured possession.  Although the whole earth is mine." ~Exodus 19:5

Our Government...

As each day passes and our elected officials are no closer to coming to a resolution among themselves I am becoming more and more despondent.  Our nation was forged on the ideals of the American dream.  A dream that is now in tatters for so many.

Each day we watch as the individuals we elected become less and less interested in helping the American people and more and more interested in their own agenda.  We watch as they argue among themselves with no real thought of how their actions are affecting those people who put voted them into their positions.

It's like watching my children fight over the remote for the T.V.  At some point they forget what it was they even wanted to watch and the fight is merely about who is in control of the remote.  Our government is so wrapped up in who is right and wrong, that they are missing the real point entirely.  They are making themselves and the American people as a whole look like bumbling idiots.

I watch as they bicker over who's idea it was to implement certain procedures, who's idea it was to implement Obamacare, who's idea it was to vote certain ways...how about they come together and make some decisions that will put us all back on the right track.  How about they stop worrying about which party is right and start focusing on how to fix this astronomical mess they have placed us in.

As a military member who is getting ready to retire I am fearful of what the future holds for me and my family.  Will I receive the benefits I was promised as a medical retiree?  Will my husband and I be able to financially take care of our children without losing our house, our vehicles, our sanity?  Will we be able to support them on the income we were promised?

Will our medical coverage take care of our special needs children?  Will we even continue to receive medical coverage at a rate we can afford?  Are our elected officials ever going to start hearing what we the people are actually saying or are they going to continue to listen only to themselves?

I am proud to be an American.  I am proud to be from a country. I am not proud of our current government and how these issues are being handled.  We as a people need to stand up and make our voices heard.  We need to ensure that we people we helped make it to government office understand that we are the only reason they are there and we can choose not to allow them to make poor choices for us.

Fear and it's effects...

As an individual living with anxiety and PTSD, I know all to well the effects of fear on your life.  I am coming to a crossroads not only for myself, but for my family as well and it is terrifying.

I am going to retire from the military in less than two months and I have no prospects for a future job.  My family will suffer because of my retirement and that scares me.  It terrifies me.  It makes me second guess  myself.

Would it be possible to pull of a full recovery and return to a job that kept my family going?  It is possible to downsize enough to manage our lives without two full-time pay checks? Is it time to give up on school, send my son back to public school, and get a full-time 9-5 job?

All of these things are running through my head and I have no way to see if any of them are viable options.  Let me rephrase that, of course I have ways to see if they are viable, but am I, are we willing to do the things we need to see where they go?

I love being home during the day, I love seeing my children as soon as they get home from school and help with their homework.  I love being a stay-at-home Mom in a way that I never thought I would.  Is it viable though?  Can I work from home and still be a full-time stay at home Mom?  Can I make this work?

Lord please let me make the best decision for my family!  Please put your arms around me and guide me to the decision we need to make as a family!  Be with us Lord, lead, guide and direct us.  In your name I pray...amen!

Depression Sucks...

Depression sucks the joy out of life.
It sucks the hours out of the day.
It sucks the happiness out of special occasions.
It sucks the energy you were hoping to have out of you.

Depression is lonely.
It leaves you wishing you were someone else.
It leaves you hoping for better days
It leaves you wanting.

Depression is tiring.
It leaves you exhausted just because you got up.
It leaves you napping all day long.
It leaves you thinking about the next time you can sleep.

Depression is overwhelming.
It turns mole hills into mountains.
It turns innocent comments into arguments.
It turns minutes into what seems like hours.

Depression is painful.
It leaves you feeling fatigued when you've done nothing.
It leaves you wishing you wanted to do things with others.
It leaves your body sore and achy.

Depression simply sucks!

Being a Stay at home Mom...

Since before my children were born I have worked outside the home.  I've watched other Mother's stay home, and wished that I could at least try it.  I've wanted to spend the days watching my children meet milestones, grow, mature, simply be.  I've wanted to be there everyday for whatever they need.

I finally get my chance.  After fourteen years and four months in the military I get to be a stay-at-home Mom.  I get to drive them to school and pick them up.  I get to cook for them everyday.  I get to be there for all the things I've missed over the years.  I finally get to spend all my time with them.

The past couple of weeks have been a learning experience to say the least.  I've felt busier staying home than I ever was working.  I've had to run kids here and there, homes school oldest son, take care of all the household chores, cook all the meals...I've gotten a little bit of a taste of what my new life will be like.  I love it!

I spend my time enjoying the days, chores, conversations I feel that I've missed over the years.  My children and husband are able to benefit from my ability to now keep the house cleaner, meals cooked more frequently and the baking I've grown to love.

I've been able to do projects I never had time to before.  I've been able to make and follow monthly meal plans.  I've been able to watch my children thrive even is this short period by simply having their Mom home.

I'm not going to pretend like it's all been perfect.  I've exhausted at the end of the day, I've been frustrated by the lack of adult conversation during the day, and I've been overwhelmed with all I have to do.  But I love it!

It is every thing I hoped it would be and so much more!  I may never go back to work again :)...don't tell my husband!

The Lord has blessed me with this chance and I intend to take full advantage of it for as long as I can.