I raised a bully...

Last year I spend a lot of time at my oldest son's middle school due to his being bullied.  He's smaller than other kids his age, he has diabetes, he's different, which makes him an easy target to some.  I had meetings with the Principal, the counselor, the school nurse.  I was the Mama Bear protecting her cub.

I removed my son from that particular school and made a decision to home school him for his seventh grade year.  We...well I...researched the best programs, found one that fit and we moved forward.  I would give him a year to focus on maturing and learning to deal with his differences then we would reintroduce him to the social situations in public school.  It lasted from September to December.  We did not make the best team for home schooling, I had to get a job and we were truly ready to kill one another.

We made the decision to return him to a different public school.  All was going well until recently.  A little over a week ago I got a phone call every parent dreads...my son was bullying another child.  I saw red.  I was livid.  I was hurt!

My son...the one who was hurt last year by other kids bullying him, had bullied someone else.  He had knowingly said things to another child to hurt them.   He had followed the crowd and fell prey to the pack mentality.  He'd learned nothing from his own experience.  I was upset to say the least and I let him know it.  I grounded him for a month, I took away everything he loves...that would be electronics folks...I had him write a 500 word essay about bullying and why you shouldn't do it.  I was hurt.

I had him call the other child and tell him he was sorry, ask if he was ok, talk to him.  I left a message to speak with the other child's mother myself, so I could apologize for being the mother of a bully.  I was truly devastated by what had happened.

I despise bullying.  In my opinion it's a way to make others feel bad about themselves while attempting to make yourself feel better.  It's a cowards way of treating other people.  I have never been one to put other people down, to make them feel inferior.  I have always felt that you should treat others as you would want to be treated.  I will always feel this way.

A week ago I was a mother of a bully.  For two short weeks I was unknowingly the mother of a bully.  I unknowingly raised a bully.  For a brief period in my son's life he hurt someone else with his words and actions.  I hope that he learns from this experience.  I hope that he has seen that if something hurts you, it will hurt other people the same way.  I hope that he recognizes that fitting in is not nearly as important as being yourself.

I love my child, but for one brief period a week ago I did not like who he was.  I love my child and hope that he has learned from this!

Rearing it's ugly head...

Today I had an interview for a job that I truly want.  A job that I am so excited about and know that I will probably be really upset if I do not get.  Before the interview, even the night before, I was extremely anxious.  Today was even worse.  As I sat there with the three individuals conducting the interview though I was relaxed, excited, and praying that they would see something in me that would make them want to hire me for the position.

I felt good when I left, and then the depression and anxiety reared it's ugly head.  Now I'm second guessing every answer I provided, the outfit I wore, the tone of the interview itself.  I'm starting to get that I'm not good enough feeling, not because I'm not good enough, but because my stupid mental health illness causes me to feel this way.  Heck, as I sit here typing this I feel like breaking down into tears.

I hate this.  In my head I know I did a good job during the interview.  I was honest with my answers.  I even went so far as to let them know when asked a question I did not know the answer too.  I was dressed in exactly the manner I researched and talked to my best friend about for an interview.  I was as prepared as I could be.

So to my depression and anxiety, please take a flying leap.  Stop messing with my head and let me feel as confident tonight as I did this morning after the interview.  Let me feel like I am good enough.  Let me feel like I do deserve this.  Tomorrow or the next day if they call and say I'm not what they were looking for then you can come back and I will wallow in the depths of it then.  But today, for a few hours, let me feel like I am worth it!

Faith and Love...

Recently my husband and I hit a rough spot in our relationship.  The main reason for this blip in our typically loving marriage is due to my mental health issues and how they affect everyone around me.  We'd found ourselves in a potential financial downfall and were discussing our options...by discussing I mean he was discussing and I as usual was crying and overreacting.

I listened to him tell me how important it was for me to find a new job, how important it was for us to make financial plans that would ensure he could retire in three years and how important it was for us to maintain a semblance of normalcy in our lives with my upcoming retirement looming just days away.

I was mad, I was angry, I was feeling attacked and overall I was feeling extremely guilty for my own failures to continue my Air Force career.  I was the one who'd been injured, I was the one who lost their job essentially, I was the one causing the current financial issues.  In reality I was avoiding the truth.

You see when you have depression and PTSD you often find yourself taking the blame for all manner of issues going on around you.  Not because someone else is projecting them on to you, but because you are projecting them on to yourself.  You have immense guilt already for the things that happened during or after your injury and you take that with you wherever you go.

Is it right? No.  It is typical? Yes.  I found myself finding all manner of reasons why I couldn't get a job, why I couldn't deal with our situation, why I was angry and hurt by the conversation.  In reality I was using my mental health diagnosis as a way to avoid the discussion.

My husband stayed calm, he reminded me of my worth, not just in our marriage and family but to the world at large.  He reminded me that I am worthy of getting better, I am worthy of employment, I am not just a damaged military member.  I am a part of the bigger society.

Over the past few months, as I've patiently waited for my retirement, I've wallowed in my own self-pity.  I've used my guilt, depression and anxiety to hide in my safe little world at home.  I've used it to avoid confrontations, to avoid doing things I am uncomfortable doing and most importantly to avoid taking any steps to take charge of my own life again.

Once I finally sat down and really thought about all the crap my poor husband has to put up with from me, it dawned on me how hard all of this truly must be for him.  He has been strong and let me be weak when I needed.  He has held me when I cried.  Motivated me when I had no motivation.  Cheered me on when I needed it.  He's been the rock that I have needed.

He may not know how important he has been to this entire process and there are days I know he does not like the person I am sometimes, but in the end he always reminds me that he loves me no matter how horrible I am being.  He loves me, not my diagnosis or my issues.  He loves me despite my crazy!

So to my husband...you are an amazing man.  Your faith in me has pulled me through more times than I can count.  You truly are the rock, the shoulder, the strength I need when I have none left.  I am forever grateful that God brought you into my life and that you love me enough to stay by my side at my most unlovable.

You are an inspiration to me and I only hope that as we continue down this path called marriage you'll always want to hold my hand!

A generation of winners...

I read an article today about a Mom in Florida who is upset that her child made the honor roll with a C and D on his report card.  She was angry, she was upset and she was right.  Why in our society are we teaching our children that mediocrity is something to be celebrated?  Why are we teaching them that everyone is a winner?

When I was growing up you won a trophy if you're team won...you didn't get one just because you played.  You lost the game if the other team scored more points than you...you didn't keep the score quiet and not tell who actually one or lost.  You made the honor roll if you worked hard and made good grades all around...not if you kept up a good GPA with bad grades.

As a parent it frustrates me to no end that everyone is a winner.  Look around your work center or your adult friends and you'll see that we aren't all winners.  To excel at work you have work hard, to excel in college you have to work hard, to excel in life as an adult you have to work hard.  You can't go to work and say hey I showed up give me a raise...really people?

This mother is right.  Her child did not earn the opportunity to be on the honor roll.  Sure he made A's in most of his classes, but clearly he struggled in two of them.  He didn't earn it.  He simply did enough to pass.

I'm with this Mom, I'm over the everyone wins because they participated.  I'm over the mentality that because my child participated they deserve special recognition.  I'm over us as adults telling our children how great they are at things, when they never even really tried.

I was stationed in Korea for a year once and met a man who was helping me with some medical stuff.  We started talking about our families and children. He asked if my children played any sports and I said yes, they played soccer.  I then asked if his children played soccer.  He looked me in the face and said no, they don't, they will never be good enough to make is a profession so they don't play.  At the time I thought this was horrible.  Not play because they weren't good at it?  Not play because they would never be professionals?  I'm not advocating not playing at all, but I do like the honesty in his statement.  He wasn't going to celebrate mediocrity.  His society doesn't teach children that they are awesome just for trying.

They celebrate hard work and drive.  They celebrate true advancement.  Maybe we should take a look around and start truly thinking about what we're teaching our children.  We should be teaching them that hard work and perseverance are too be celebrated. True advancement is too be celebrated.  Merely showing up isn't. 

Veteran's Day Tribute...

Over my years of active duty Veteran's Day has always passed without much fanfare. It was a holiday, day off from work.  A day that my kids were in school and I got a break from everyone and everything.  Kind of a sad way to look at such an important day.

This year though things are very different.  This year I realized that this day is the day to celebrate all the men and women, past and present, who have sacrificed so much for our great nation.  They have sacrificed their lives, their families, their time, their heart and their soul.  They have given this nation every part of them and all too often this nation has not given them the respect and honor they deserve.

Today I've read through so many stories and seen so many wonderful thanks to our veterans.  I've seen ads for restaurants and stores who provide veteran's with free meals and discounts.  I've seen so many people thanking a veteran.  Why spend just one day thanking these men and women...why not thank them every day?

I've met men and women who have gone to war and not returned, retirees who suffered the greatest injustices from a nation they love, service members who have suffered medical issues, service members who have lost their families.  Is one day, a few hours, really long enough to thank them?

This year I realize that it isn't.  Everyday we should thank a veteran.  Thank the men and women who place their lives on the line for our freedoms.  Remember that they do not like war, they abhor war, they go to war to keep our nation free.  Remember that they are leaving their loved ones behind and do not know if they will return.  If they return they will never be the same.

Look around you today as you are enjoying your day off, look around you at all the men and women who have served, look around you and think about what these men and women have truly given for this nation, for you, for your children.

They have given their love, their loyalty, their lives.  Veteran's Day is an important day...maybe one of the most important, but while you are thanking them today, remember to thank them everyday!

The end of a chapter...

Today as I made my way to the medical group to complete my outprocessing for retirement, I was overwhelmed with a sense of sadness and denial.  This is truly the end of a very large chapter of my life.  An end that came much too quickly.  An end I had not imagined.

I joined the military in 1999 with the intention of completing my four year enlistment, receiving my educational benefits and moving on with life.  The best laid plans are often derailed.  I found out that I loved the military and this way of life.  I loved the job I did, I loved the people I worked with and I loved the diversity of the military.  I was hooked.

During my first year on active duty I met the man who would become my first husband.  It was a relationship I thought I needed, one that I often wonder if I began out of loneliness from being away from home for the first time.  I'm not saying I didn't love him, I just think we were both very young and lonely.

This man and I went on to have three awesome children together.  That part of our relationship I will never regret.  He gave me the three best parts of himself.  I learned a lot about myself throughout that first year.  I learned that if I really wanted to do something and worked hard I could.  I learned that people are willing to help you and be there for you no matter what.  I learned to love the camaraderie of the military lifestyle.

My next duty station brought both happiness and heartache.  My three boys were born in Georgia, all by the same doctor...something almost unheard of in the military realm.  I found one of my very dearest friends there.  I grew a lot in my career.  I was set for success.  Before the birth of our third son though things took a turn for the worse in our relationship.  It would never be the same again.

We moved to our next duty station and that is where I still am.  Here I grew even more as an NCO.  I was a hard worker, willing to volunteer for whatever came my way.  I loved my troops...well most of the time:).  I loved my job.  I loved everything about this area.  I had my first deployment in 2007.  It was the best and worst time of my life...at the time.  I was overwhelmed with a sense of duty and patriotism.  I loved being deployed.  I hated being away from my family.  My marriage didn't survive.  The brokenness from before and the time apart were too much for us to fix.  We tried...it just didn't work out.

I learned to be a single mom.  I learned to be an NCO.  I learned what my job really meant.  In 2012 I was picked up to deploy again.  I was remarried to my current husband...the love of my life. Things weren't great when I was selected.  We'd lost a pregnancy shortly before.  We were struggling.  Maybe I was struggling.  Anyway, I began preparing for this deployment.  I thought it would be a chance to regroup and put myself back together.  I was wrong.

The training was fun...I injured my shoulder during it though.  I pushed through.  I wanted this deployment.  I was able to convince my leadership over in the sandbox to allow me to work with one of the providers I was in training with.  We'd already bonded so it made sense to me.  We worked well together and got along.

We ended up at a remote FOB in Afghanistan.  This place was a hot bed of activity. We were attached daily, sometimes more than once.  This is the place where my life changed forever.  Where all of our lives changed forever.  This is the place that brought me to the early end of my career.

As I sit here today I still don't like thinking or talking about the day that changed everything.  It makes me sad that one day, a few hours, changed my life.  Changed my future.  Changed my career path.  On Thanksgiving Day of this year I will officially be a retiree, at 34 years old.  I will be among the few military members whose careers were brought up short by an injury sustained in combat.  I will be among the few who have to learn to live without the military way of life.

I am sad today and suspect that there will be many more sad days to come.  There will be happy days too. Days to reminisce, days to think about the happy times, days to look forward to the future.  I am excited and hopeful for what is coming, but I am sad for what is being left behind. 

Labels...

How often in life do we place labels on people we come in contact with? How often do we judge a person on their appearance without even knowing them?  How often does that judgement change when make the time to get to know them?

My Bible Study (Therapy) Group is currently doing a study called Alter Ego.  It is about rethinking how we label others and how we look at ourselves in the context of the labels we have had placed on us.  How do you see yourself and how has that been affected by the labels others have given you?

How often do we remember being told we're ugly, fat, skinny, pretty, weird, etc... How often are those labels given to us by someone else that we then adopt for ourselves?  I know that I am guilty of labeling other people, and I know that I am guilty of taking on the labels others have given me.

Whether those labels are good, bad or indifferent, I find myself attempting to live up to them.  Isn't that a strange way to look at it?  Attempting to live up to a label.  I have been told I am a "super mom"...I don't feel that way about myself, but the second I feel like I've done something wrong with my children or haven't done something I am supposed to I feel upset or frustrated that I haven't met that expectation.  I've taken on others label of me and tried to live up to it.

I am diagnosed with PTSD and I try to live up to that diagnosis.  I use it as my crutch.  I am a person living with PTSD though not PTSD itself.  I have learn that while PTSD is a diagnosis it is also a label.  A label given to those of us living with a disorder that we can overcome.  We can seek treatment and get better.  We may never be cured, but we can live with our disability.

I have given labels to my own children, and now that I realize this I have to make a concerted effort to change this.  They do not deserve to grow up labeled by their own Mother.  They deserve to become who God wants them to be.  Who He planned for them to be even before they were born.

My new goal in life is to start working on not only my own labels but on not giving those around me labels.  Not looking at a person in the store or on the street and assuming I know them based on their appearance.  I will start working on giving everyone a chance to show who they truly are.  It is not my job to label them, it is my job to accept them.

God has given us the true idea of who we are.  He has placed us in our lives for a reason.  He has planned our paths for us.  We need to choose to follow that plan and start living out our alter ego.  We need to start working on becoming more like God and less like our current selves.

Labels are harmful to us and to those around us.  Take a moment to truly consider how your labeling someone else may and can affect them.  Take a moment to think about how those same labels given to you have affected your life.  How they have molded how you see yourself.

Become the person God has planned for you!

Radical Obedience...

What does radical obedience mean to you when you hear it?  To a Christian it should mean one thing...it should mean that you are ready to completely and utterly give your life over to God and follow the path that he leads for you.  I am currently reading the book Radical by David Platt and I am astonished by the things he has written.

I realized that I was not allowing myself to listen to the plan God has for me.  I am not following the directives of the Bible as I should...I am not obeying God's word.

I realize that many of my readers may not share my beliefs, I hope that they can still respect my values and beliefs.  I can understand if they don't though.  It is a tough pill for people who do not believe to swallow.  It is a tough pill sometimes for those of us who do believe to follow.

God loves us, He created us in His image, He created us for His enjoyment.  He expects us to follow His word...He demands it.  The cost of not following His word is worse than anything you can experience in this life.  It is eternal damnation.  It is eternal separation from our Loving Creator.

He never said that this life would be easy, He never said that we would be able to easily follow His word.  He did provide us with the blueprint for this though.  He gave us the Bible to study, to read, to learn.  He gave us His written word, written by mortal men.  Men, who like you and I, found it difficult to radically obey His word until they were shown the path He laid out for them.

I can only imagine the shock and awe they experienced when the Lord reached down and physically touched them?  The Love they felt engulf them when they finally reached the point where they were ready to listen and believe.

Can you also imagine the fear they felt when at first they did not follow God's word.  They chose to stray from the path He laid for them?  The fear Jonah felt when the was in the fished belly, the fear he lived with for the days he was there?

Had Jonah simply listened and obeyed He would not have had to have that experience.  If we would listen and obey there are some many things we could avoid experiencing.  Not saying that you will never experience difficulties or obstacles in this life...you will.  Even the most ardent, most obedient of God's people will experience pain and suffering.  However, when the Lord returns those same people will be the first to experience His amazing love and healing.

You may not be in a place in your life where you are ready to follow the Lord, you may never be in that place, I pray that you change your mind though. I pray that I am able to find the radical obedience the Lord expects...that he demands!

"Now if you obey me fully and keep my covenant, then out of all nations you will be my treasured possession.  Although the whole earth is mine." ~Exodus 19:5

Our Government...

As each day passes and our elected officials are no closer to coming to a resolution among themselves I am becoming more and more despondent.  Our nation was forged on the ideals of the American dream.  A dream that is now in tatters for so many.

Each day we watch as the individuals we elected become less and less interested in helping the American people and more and more interested in their own agenda.  We watch as they argue among themselves with no real thought of how their actions are affecting those people who put voted them into their positions.

It's like watching my children fight over the remote for the T.V.  At some point they forget what it was they even wanted to watch and the fight is merely about who is in control of the remote.  Our government is so wrapped up in who is right and wrong, that they are missing the real point entirely.  They are making themselves and the American people as a whole look like bumbling idiots.

I watch as they bicker over who's idea it was to implement certain procedures, who's idea it was to implement Obamacare, who's idea it was to vote certain ways...how about they come together and make some decisions that will put us all back on the right track.  How about they stop worrying about which party is right and start focusing on how to fix this astronomical mess they have placed us in.

As a military member who is getting ready to retire I am fearful of what the future holds for me and my family.  Will I receive the benefits I was promised as a medical retiree?  Will my husband and I be able to financially take care of our children without losing our house, our vehicles, our sanity?  Will we be able to support them on the income we were promised?

Will our medical coverage take care of our special needs children?  Will we even continue to receive medical coverage at a rate we can afford?  Are our elected officials ever going to start hearing what we the people are actually saying or are they going to continue to listen only to themselves?

I am proud to be an American.  I am proud to be from a country. I am not proud of our current government and how these issues are being handled.  We as a people need to stand up and make our voices heard.  We need to ensure that we people we helped make it to government office understand that we are the only reason they are there and we can choose not to allow them to make poor choices for us.

Fear and it's effects...

As an individual living with anxiety and PTSD, I know all to well the effects of fear on your life.  I am coming to a crossroads not only for myself, but for my family as well and it is terrifying.

I am going to retire from the military in less than two months and I have no prospects for a future job.  My family will suffer because of my retirement and that scares me.  It terrifies me.  It makes me second guess  myself.

Would it be possible to pull of a full recovery and return to a job that kept my family going?  It is possible to downsize enough to manage our lives without two full-time pay checks? Is it time to give up on school, send my son back to public school, and get a full-time 9-5 job?

All of these things are running through my head and I have no way to see if any of them are viable options.  Let me rephrase that, of course I have ways to see if they are viable, but am I, are we willing to do the things we need to see where they go?

I love being home during the day, I love seeing my children as soon as they get home from school and help with their homework.  I love being a stay-at-home Mom in a way that I never thought I would.  Is it viable though?  Can I work from home and still be a full-time stay at home Mom?  Can I make this work?

Lord please let me make the best decision for my family!  Please put your arms around me and guide me to the decision we need to make as a family!  Be with us Lord, lead, guide and direct us.  In your name I pray...amen!

Depression Sucks...

Depression sucks the joy out of life.
It sucks the hours out of the day.
It sucks the happiness out of special occasions.
It sucks the energy you were hoping to have out of you.

Depression is lonely.
It leaves you wishing you were someone else.
It leaves you hoping for better days
It leaves you wanting.

Depression is tiring.
It leaves you exhausted just because you got up.
It leaves you napping all day long.
It leaves you thinking about the next time you can sleep.

Depression is overwhelming.
It turns mole hills into mountains.
It turns innocent comments into arguments.
It turns minutes into what seems like hours.

Depression is painful.
It leaves you feeling fatigued when you've done nothing.
It leaves you wishing you wanted to do things with others.
It leaves your body sore and achy.

Depression simply sucks!

Being a Stay at home Mom...

Since before my children were born I have worked outside the home.  I've watched other Mother's stay home, and wished that I could at least try it.  I've wanted to spend the days watching my children meet milestones, grow, mature, simply be.  I've wanted to be there everyday for whatever they need.

I finally get my chance.  After fourteen years and four months in the military I get to be a stay-at-home Mom.  I get to drive them to school and pick them up.  I get to cook for them everyday.  I get to be there for all the things I've missed over the years.  I finally get to spend all my time with them.

The past couple of weeks have been a learning experience to say the least.  I've felt busier staying home than I ever was working.  I've had to run kids here and there, homes school oldest son, take care of all the household chores, cook all the meals...I've gotten a little bit of a taste of what my new life will be like.  I love it!

I spend my time enjoying the days, chores, conversations I feel that I've missed over the years.  My children and husband are able to benefit from my ability to now keep the house cleaner, meals cooked more frequently and the baking I've grown to love.

I've been able to do projects I never had time to before.  I've been able to make and follow monthly meal plans.  I've been able to watch my children thrive even is this short period by simply having their Mom home.

I'm not going to pretend like it's all been perfect.  I've exhausted at the end of the day, I've been frustrated by the lack of adult conversation during the day, and I've been overwhelmed with all I have to do.  But I love it!

It is every thing I hoped it would be and so much more!  I may never go back to work again :)...don't tell my husband!

The Lord has blessed me with this chance and I intend to take full advantage of it for as long as I can.

What has society come to...

As I read through the news today, I came across an article detailing how three "bored" teenagers decided that for fun they would go out and kill someone.  They wanted to see what it was like.  They took another human life because they were bored.

Are you kidding me...are we seriously at a point in our society that children, yes teenagers are still children, have started killing for fun? Are we as parents really that uninvolved that we are raising "bored" murders?

As a mother I am pissed off at the parents in this situation...I am in no way saying that they could have stopped these three idiots from doing what they did, but where were they?  What have they been teaching their children?  What type of environment are they raising them in?  I am appalled that this happened and even more appalled that children did it.

Here is the article in question:

http://www.foxnews.com/us/2013/08/20/police-say-teen-shot-australian-student-in-oklahoma-for-fun-it/

These boys seem to already have histories with the law, they were not innocent children by any means.  At the same time, at one point they were innocent.  At one point they were someone's baby, someones's little boy.  I can't imagine my children growing up to kill someone "for fun".  I can't imagine them growing up to kill someone for any other reason than self protection.

I am saddened by this event, I am saddened that our society has fallen into such a place that things like this aren't so uncommon, I am saddened that a young man's life was cut short and three others will live the remainder of their lives trying to understand why they did what they did.

God does not intend for us to kill one another, He does not intend for us to raise children who kill "for fun".  As parents it is our responsibility to raise strong, Godly children, who live moral lives.  Some of you may disagree, some of you may not believe in God.  I do however, and as for me and my family we will serve the Lord.

As I lay down tonight to go to bed I will pray for the young man who's life was cut short.  I will pray for his parents, his girlfriend, his friends in America and Australia.  I will pray that they find peace and forgiveness in their hearts.  I will also pray for the three boys whose lives are so unbelievably altered now that they will never know a normal life again.  Whether they go to jail for their lives or not, they will always be known as the three boys who killed an innocent man for no reason.

I will pray for their parents and their friends.  I will pray for their souls that they find Christ and get right with God.  I will pray that one day they can forgive themselves.

It's baaaaack...

The long awaited medical board is back.  It's time for me to start making plans for the future and figuring out how to be a civilian again.  It's time to begin a new chapter in my story.

I was told last week that I have approximately 60 days before I am officially a civilian again.  I haven't been a civilian in 14 years.  I haven't attempted to work in the "real" world in that length of time. I'm not sure I even remember how.  I have lived and breathed the military for 14 years.  I have given them my blood, sweat and tears.  Now it's time for me to figure out how to do the same for myself and my family.

My husband and I have lots of planning to do.  I start school this Wednesday.  That's right I'm going back to school.  I finally made a grown up decision about what I wanted to be when I grew up.  I'm going to school to become a nurse.  It'll be a long hard road, but in the end it will be worth it.  Right now I'm going to attend at night, we'll see how it goes.  I'm hopeful that I can do it.

I'm also going to begin homeschooling our oldest son.  I strongly believe that it's something I'm being led to do, that's it's something God has placed on  my heart and will hopefully repair some of the damage in my son.  I just want him to be a happy little boy again.

My anxiety about this new stage in life is overwhelming, but I'm going to breath and push through.  I'm not going to give in and allow  myself to quit.  I'm going to be successful at this.  It may feel impossible at times, but it's going to happen.  I can do this.  I can be happy and successful.  I can push the anxiety and fear aside and make something of my life.

With God's help I can do anything!

Two steps forward...more steps back...Hope

As I (in)patiently wait for my medical retirement package to return from the big Air Force world I've begun finding my anxiety spilling over into my everyday life...as if it weren't already doing that.

I find myself anxiously examining every particle of what I do and what I need to do.  Budgets, medical plans, new jobs searches, school, the kids, the husband, the dog...you name and it's on my list of worries.  How can I even begin to truly start making plans with all of this anxiety.

The truth is that I can't.  I'm trying to make it minute by minute verses hour by hour.  I'm trying to pretend like all is well.  I'm trying to just keep it together.

As we all know, just keeping it together is sometimes less productive than letting it fall apart and then picking up the pieces.  Anxiety makes me want to pull my hair out...not something I've done...but sometimes it seems like a good idea.  I'm exhausted from the anxiety, the fear, the unrelenting thoughts that run through my head about the future and the past.  I've found know way to simply focus on today.

To me this picture sums it up.  There is so much going on in my head that I find it hard to focus on any one thing.  It's a jumble of words, thoughts and images all trying to processed at one time.  It's tiring to even think about.

Every day though I wake up with some hope.  Hope that today will be the day that I can make the two steps forward and maintain my ground.  That I won't lose any momentum in the direction I am headed.  The day that my brain slows down and smells the roses.

Hope if a four letter word not used often enough by those of us who suffer from mental health illnesses.  We use lots of other words to describe ourselves and how we feel, but we rarely use Hope.

For today and each day that lies ahead I am Hopeful that we can all make progress.  That we can all gain ground with those two tiny steps.  That we can all appreciate that for today my greatest achievement was waking up!

7 August 2013

Yesterday was an interesting day...it was the one year anniversary of my incident in Afghanistan and it was also Purple Heart Day...funny that the two collide.  One year ago everything was "normal" in my life, ok as normal as it could be.  I was in Afghanistan doing my job and missing my family.  I was getting back into church and my faith.  I was working out again.

On the morning of the 7th all of that changed.  In a matter of seconds my life was turned upside down...literally and figuratively.  I was thrown into a new future with no road map.  I was terrified to do the things I'd done all my life.  In a matter of seconds I learned that the world is not a nice place and people want to hurt you even though they know nothing about you.

The path I was thrown onto was unknown to me, I was not used to being the one that needed help, I was the one who provided help.  I was not used to being afraid to be alone, to walk down a sidewalk, to fear going into public places.  I wanted to me alone in my safe places.  I was on a path that would lead me to solitude and an unrealistic view of safety.

I was unprepared for what life had in store for me.  I realized after a few months that I needed help more than I needed to pretend that things were ok.  I'm on the road to recovery now, hopeful for the future and what it holds.  I still have days that I want to stay in my home, in my bed, with my dog, alone.  They are fewer and father apart now though.  

The people who did the horrific act of that day did not know me, they know only what they are told about Americans.  They have never met me, it was not a personal attack.  I do not hold them at fault.  It is the only thing they know.  I forgive them and the people who put them in that position.  

I am God's child and if He can forgive me my sins, I can forgive those who hurt me.  I am stronger today and each day moving forward.  

Rainy Days...

Do you ever sit in your house listening to the rain?  I love the sound of rain and it tends to provide me with a backdrop for my mood on those days.  I've found that when it's raining my ability to overcome my depression decreases.  I want to sit in my house, under a blanket, curled up with my dogs and just sleep.  Rainy days are best for that.

Today was one of those days. A day I would have loved to simply sit in my house, unfortunately I had to go to work.  I had to shower, get dressed and show up at work.  This is difficult on good days, imagine what it's like on the bad ones.  I  get exhausted from simply pretending to be okay.  I hate the small talk and the fake smiling.  I hate the time spent attempting to make everyone around me feel better.

I obviously can't go in and say how I'm really feeling, that would put them all on edge.  I can't answer the "how are you today" question with total honesty.  I just smile and pretend.  That seems to make others feel better.  I know my issue shouldn't be about trying to make others feel better, but I don't want to make them feel like they need to coddle me or pretend to want to listen to my issues.

Seriously, I have a therapist who sits and listens to my problems.  I have friends who I can vent to and a husband who I tell how I'm really feeling.  I don't need to share that with the people I work with.  I don't need them to know that on most days I wish I could simply sit and cry, that my therapy on Monday's is so draining that I just want to go home and go to bed, that there are days I want to scream at the world and rant about the unfairness of my situation.  Those are the things I don't want to share.

I don't want to be seen as vulnerable.  I want to be seen as the competent person I once was.  I don't feel like that person, but it would be nice to feel like it for at least one day.

Eventually I may get back to that, but we'll see.  For now I will continue to smile and pretend so others don't feel badly.  I'll save my true feelings for rainy days!

I met the first dog...and other cool things...

So I was "formally invited" to the White House for a 4th of July event...formally invited in military terms really means, you must go.  I thought long and hard about it and decided that despite my own overwhelming anxiety about the whole idea that it would be an awesome experience that my children would never forget.

The actual getting there was almost as bad as the event itself.  They needed so much information for us to be "cleared" that I was about to start giving them our blood types and medical history...it was kind of ridiculous, but protocol I assume.  We arrived on the night of the 3rd and spend two glorious nights trapped in a super small room with the six of us, it's a good thing we all love one another.

The morning of the 4th was hot and bright.  We took the kids to the Natural History Museum and while the crowds almost did me in, I refused to succumb and ruin our first real family vacation with my own fears.  The biggest issue for me was the fact that there was a huge parade going on and to get to our location we needed to go through the crowds waiting and watching.  Yep that's right go ahead and put a person with PTSD in a crowded street where a parade is happening...not my best idea yet, but we survived.

After returning to our room I simply wanted to sleep, but it was time to get everyone dressed and ready.  Yet another anxiety provoking undertaking...you try getting yourself, four kids and a husband ready to meet the President and see how anxious you become.  I was tired, frustrated and ready to call it quits, but let's keep in mind that once in a lifetime experience for the kiddos...I pushed on.
We arrived early as directed and got the luxury of waiting...again anxiety + waiting do not make good bed fellows.  My poor husband kept kindly telling me to calm down...that never works.

We were finally escorted through three check points, searched and cleared again before arriving on the South Lawn of the White House.  That's us below on the lawn...we were up close and personal with the White House...how many people can say that?

A few minutes after this lovely family photo was taken I was whisked away to formally meet the President and the First Lady...those pictures will have to be part of another blog, as I have to wait for them to be sent from the White House.  

The most nerve wracking part of the entire day was yet to come.  Myself and 17 other military members were asked to stand with the President, on the balcony, while he gave his 4th of July speech.  Yep I stood in front of thousands of people, beside the President, with cameras in my face and didn't pass out.  I thought about it, but how embarrassing would that have been on national television?  

If you want you can check out the link to the speech and my anxiety showing it's pretty little head here: http://www.whitehouse.gov/photos-and-video/video/2013/07/04/president-delivers-remarks-independence-day-celebration

That's me, right next to the President, looking around like a nutcase trying to find my wonderful family...you'll know when I find them, trust me I don't even have to explain it.

So for the best part...I got to meet, pet and get a photo with the First Dog...is it silly to be more excited about the dog than the President?  I love animals though and they calm my anxiety...so I was feeling the best when I was able to pet the dog.  He was awesome...soft and so well behaved.  I know a couple of dogs at my house who could use some pointers :).  

I was totally not anxious in this photo...

So the moral of this extraordinary tale is that we as individuals suffering from mental health disorders, should never allow them to take away once in a lifetime chances.  Did I pay for all of this later that night...you bet I did.  Was I exhausted from the amount of effort it took to maintain long enough to get through it...you bet I was.  

But I was also able to give my children an experience they would never forget, I was able to stand up there for all those brave men and women who can not stand there.  I was able to fight my own battle and for that day win it.

I may be a person with PTSD, but for one day, for a few hours I did not allow it to make the choices for me.

Oh, and I got to meet the First Dog :)

Movies, Zombies, and my anxiety...

I love movies.  I love movie theaters, movies at home, Netflix, Redbox, Video on Demand...I just love movies.  I love old, new, foreign, kids, young adult...no horror...but I love movies.

I don't like crowds, which puts my love of movies in direct line for something that gets cut out.  Part of my therapy is actually to attend movies with my husband and make it through the entire movie without leaving.  For a "normal" person that sounds completely ridiculous, for me it's a grand thing if I can make it.

In the past two weeks I have been to three movies.  The first was Man of Steel...I took my four children so that I could not leave.  I sat in the middle of them so I could not run.  I breathed deeply, I wrung my hands, I talked myself into staying through every scene.  It was no small feet.  I survived the movie.  I made it.

The second movie was Monster's University...should have been easy right, I mean I made it through Man of Steel, guess what it was harder.  I was there with our two oldest boys, they were loving it...I left and sat in the car.  Not such a great parenting moment.  They are old enough to sit in a movie theater alone so don't go crazy there folks.  They were fine.  I was not.  Seriously as a grown adult I sat in the car as opposed to sitting in the movie I just paid for.  I felt like a failure.

Here comes movie number three.  First let me say I love Zombies.  Zombie shows, stories, books, movies.  I was so excited that World War Z was coming out.  I wanted to see it so badly.  So today my husband and I went to see it.  My anxiety was through the roof before the movie even started.  The trailer's for the other movies almost put me over the edge...needless to say I will not be seeing The Conjuring...the movie started, I was on edge, I was going to force myself to sit through it no matter what.  There were some explosions that shook me, some moments that put me on the edge of my seat, some deep breathing and some hand wringing.  There was some digging into my husbands hand as I was holding it, but I made.  I made it through the entire movie I have been waiting to see.

My proud moment was brought to you by Brad Pitt and millions of Zombies!

I am the face of PTSD...

If you saw me walking down the street, you would  not see the scars.  If you stopped to talk to me, you would not see the wounds.  If you asked me how I was, you would hear that I am fine.

I am the face of PTSD.

I am the mother who has to be strong for her kids.  I am the wife who has to be there for her husband.  I am the NCO who has to be at work each day.

I am also the face of PTSD.

I have been beaten, drug down, overwhelmed, terrified and forced to face my own mortality.  I have seen the dead on the battle field and the injured who were headed home.

I am the face of PTSD.

I have been in mental places I never thought possible.  I have feared for my life.  I have been to the bottom on more than one occasion.  I have spent nights in the hospital for my own safety.

I am the face of PTSD.

I have cried, screamed, curled into a ball.  I have anxiety that leaves me feeling out of control.  I have nightmares that keep me awake.  I fear that every day will be my last.

I am the face of PTSD.

I have overcome many obstacles, with many more to come.  I have relived my fears over and over. I have come home from the front lines to learn to live a new life.

I am the face of PTSD.

I am medicated for the safety of myself and sometimes those around me.  I am medicated to sleep at night.  I am medicated to enable myself to function.

I am the face of PTSD.

I am a wife, a mother, a sister, a daughter.  I am a military member, a friend, a confidant.

I am the face of PTSD.